Humor

Congress struggles with "work", oh SNAP

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Independent journalists recently discovered a 2016 closed-door meeting transcript involving the leadership of both the Democrat and Republican parties. That meeting including Nancy Pelosi, Mitch McConnell, Matt Damon, and Porky Pig.  The transcript revealed a striking level of cooperation within the group.  Unfortunately, the group failed to invite a representative of US citizens.

Doubly unfortunate, mainstream media attended as an off-the-record voting member.

In a candid moment of self-reflection, the meeting attendees discussed their continued burden of being expected to make decisions.  The leadership reflected on their goal to avoid taking responsibility for, well, leadership.

Pelosi echoed the wishes of each meeting participant for a world-wide distraction that would consume the next four years, have the appearance of reflective, soulful, and hard work, portray both parties as having spines, and avoid actual hard work.

Porky Pig was the first to suggest that “Maybe we could impea, impea, impea… indict Trump.”  The room filled with intense laughter at the ridiculous thought followed immediately by a moment of thoughtful silence.

Along with obvious all-consuming distraction an impeachment effort might cause, Damon was hopeful that a movie about Trump’s demise would be bigger than The Green ZoneDownsizing or even Jersey Girl.

At this, the transcript noted a collective eye-roll.

Following a quick search under the couch for one of McConnell’s eyes, the group proceeded in their planning.

Pelosi began with a set of ground rules:

  • The naming of post offices would become the key House function.  [After a brief argument, McConnell agreed that the Senate would try to keep up.]
  • The group would allow Jerry Nadler and Adam Schiff to attend remedial feigned indignation training.
  • Matt Damon must persuade Twitter to not suspend Trump’s account.
  • McConnell would ensure Pelosi has an opportunity to yell importantly at members of the media and proclaim her deeply held Catholic believes, other than that pesky abortion thing.

Attendees vehemently agreed that more rules would be too difficult to remember.

Someone, although it’s not clear who, concluded the meeting with “That’s all folks.”

Jeffrey Epstein’s haunting of ABC

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We no longer have Jeffrey Epstein around due to his highly coincidental and suspicious suicide, or as Hillary calls it, Tuesday house cleaning.  We do, though, have the ghost of Epstein materializing at least weekly.

ABC Studios felt his presence most recently.

ABC’s Amy Robach spoke frankly about an unaired story on Epstein that she helped develop.  The news piece included connections to Bill Clinton and adventures involving the Lolita Express and Orgy Island.

“It was going to be impactful.  Even more so than our seven-part series on Trump’s selfish approach to ice cream scoops”, she recounted when discussing how ABC News killed the story in 2015.

In their defense, ABC stated that

“not all of the reporting met our standards to air.  There wasn’t even any video evidence, DNA, polygraph corroboration, confession, or live occurrence at a Super Bowl halftime show.”

ABC also pointed out how busy they were in 2015.  “Our priority at the time was a collaborative retrospective with The Weinstein Company on Roman Polansky’s creative genius.”

Following this explanation, Robach appeared to have had a recent head trauma incident.  When asked about the 2015 events, she responded: “who’s this Epstein you keep speaking of?”

If it was about standards, one would expect a consistent approach to all ABC reporting.  Hence the word “standard.”  Say for instance, how they chose to cover the Epstein/Clinton connection compared to Brett Kavanaugh’s coverage during the combined Supreme Court hearings and witch-burning rituals.

A cursory review of ABC’s almost 7000 news items on Kavanaugh, revealed standards as flexible as the personalities of James McAvoy’s “Split” character.

Each accuser’s indictments were thoroughly documented as ABC took the country through five of Dante’s nine levels of purgatory, otherwise known as open hearings.

To give you an idea of how serious they were about standards during those hearings, here’s an actual ABC headline:

Witches to ‘hex’ Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh; exorcists pray in response

In the end, though, that witch hunt did result in the discovery of witches.

Outbreak of spontaneous nose growth

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In the era of Adam Schiff as a political party leader, frequent spontaneous nose growth is occurring anytime a microphone and a Democrat are in the same room.  Staff physicians, thus far, have identified no cause for the protrusive nose outbreak.  Their wood-like density and occasional leafy offshoots are even more baffling.

Meanwhile, explosive nose growths on Capitol Hill have resulted in the loss of 17 eyes, 87 cracked press camera lenses and a broken windshield.

At a recent Democrat press conference, now commonly referred to as a Trump re-election event, Nancy Pelosi discussed Schiff’s leadership role in the upcoming impeachment inquiry.

She noted her complete confidence in his abilities.  Apparently, this confidence was limited to his ability to discuss Trump’s atrocities in as much clarity as Stephen Hawking’s explaining the infield fly rule… in Mandarin Chinese… translated to pig Latin.

Pelosi then turned the discussion over to Schiff who proceeded to put the nose extension phenomenon on full display.  With a grimaced face, he explained how it pained him to be critical of the President, but was duty-bound to protect the Constitution.

After Congressional staffers removed the injured and broken cameras from the area, Schiff continued his remarks from behind two feet of leaded glass.

Jerry Nadler offered up some words of advice for the journalists who were eager to do hard-hitting, investigative reporting. He then broke out in uncontrollable laughter since actual journalists are now extinct. Plus, reporters work from home reviewing daily DNC talking points and surfing social media.

Schiff concluded the briefing with information on exciting new nose control research that so far has shown some positive results.  Researchers developed an experimental ointment costing $1.2 billion, funded by the Congressional Litigation Defense Fund.   When Schiff used it without effect, he was counseled on its proper application as a topical cream.

Schiff did report, though, that his chin has almost completely disappeared.

Leave it to Democrats to become overwhelmed with rat pride

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Trump has so angered the Democrats that the DNC held an emergency meeting on Wednesday to review possible changes to their by-laws which, surprisingly, have no mention of rats.  Due to the group’s overwhelming sympathy for what Nancy Pelosi described as ground squirrels only dumber, a resolution was brought forward to change the Democrat mascot from donkey to rat.

A heated debate ensued when Representative Nadler pointed out that Trump frequently disparages penguins and that respect for all mammals should be included.  Senator Mark Warner from Virginia reminded Nadler that a penguin is a bird… and that Trump was actually calling Nadler Batman’s nemesis, the Penguin.

Into the late evening went deliberations until the members realized that the by-laws currently do not even include the donkey as the current Democrat symbol.  However, since “ass” is included, a compromise was proposed by Senator Bernie Sanders to include both as symbols.  This was accepted overwhelmingly at which point Representative Ocasio-Cortez added the approved text into the by-laws using goat’s blood and sorcery.

The official symbol of the Democrat National Committee is now the rat’s ass.  Editorial cartoonists across the country are scrambling to figure out what one looks like.

The new coffee cups arrived!

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Congrats again to the four winners from our previous contest!  They will receive their very own mug, to be shipped this weekend.  Each mug is made from durable ceramic, beautifully designed and well balanced with an easy-to-grip handle so Hillary can hurl it across the room.

We’d love to give more away.  How about a contest contest?

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For the two best new contests you think we should run, we’ll award coffee mugs.

To get you thinking, here are some past posts that could have been turned into contest opportunities.  Links are included.

Come up with your own idea for a contest that pokes at politicians, the media, celebrities or whatever’s making the news.  Feel free to email us directly from the Contacts page with entries or questions.  We’ll close this in one week, on Friday, 3/8.

And the winners are…

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We’ve finally gotten around to tallying up the award nomination categories and nominees that best sum up 2018. Trophy

You may recall that we came up with a few of our own early in December when we kicked off this event.  Check back at the original post for the complete list.  In the mean time, here were just a few:

  • The Disappearing Statesman Award – Paul Ryan
  • The Confused About The Meaning of the Word Journalist Award – Jim Acosta
  • The Most Likely to get Lost on the DC Subway Award – Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
  • A Lifetime Achievement Award (Sleazy Politics category) – Bill Clinton

Without further delay, the winning nomination categories and nominees for 2018….

  • The Making Public Service Work for your Financial Reward Award – Diane Feinstein [submitted by Norris Johnson]
  • The Best Cup of Coughy Award – Hillary Clinton [submitted by Michael Bradford]
  • The Most Classified Information Released without an Indictment – Hillary Clinton [submitted by Russell Abbott]
  • The Just Can’t Let it go Award (aka Bad Loser Award) – Hillary Clinton [submitted by Todd Coleman]

Unfortunately, Hillary couldn’t make it this evening due to a nasty tumble over an empty box of wine.

Those listed above who identified the award categories and selected winning nominees have, themselves, won some fabulous swag in the form of a limited edition Confederacy of Drones coffee mug!  Stay tuned for future opportunities to win more stuff from your friends at COD.