Humor

Jeffrey Epstein’s haunting of ABC

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We no longer have Jeffrey Epstein around due to his highly coincidental and suspicious suicide, or as Hillary calls it, Tuesday house cleaning.  We do, though, have the ghost of Epstein materializing at least weekly.

ABC Studios felt his presence most recently.

ABC’s Amy Robach spoke frankly about an unaired story on Epstein that she helped develop.  The news piece included connections to Bill Clinton and adventures involving the Lolita Express and Orgy Island.

“It was going to be impactful.  Even more so than our seven-part series on Trump’s selfish approach to ice cream scoops”, she recounted when discussing how ABC News killed the story in 2015.

In their defense, ABC stated that

“not all of the reporting met our standards to air.  There wasn’t even any video evidence, DNA, polygraph corroboration, confession, or live occurrence at a Super Bowl halftime show.”

ABC also pointed out how busy they were in 2015.  “Our priority at the time was a collaborative retrospective with The Weinstein Company on Roman Polansky’s creative genius.”

Following this explanation, Robach appeared to have had a recent head trauma incident.  When asked about the 2015 events, she responded: “who’s this Epstein you keep speaking of?”

If it was about standards, one would expect a consistent approach to all ABC reporting.  Hence the word “standard.”  Say for instance, how they chose to cover the Epstein/Clinton connection compared to Brett Kavanaugh’s coverage during the combined Supreme Court hearings and witch-burning rituals.

A cursory review of ABC’s almost 7000 news items on Kavanaugh, revealed standards as flexible as the personalities of James McAvoy’s “Split” character.

Each accuser’s indictments were thoroughly documented as ABC took the country through five of Dante’s nine levels of purgatory, otherwise known as open hearings.

To give you an idea of how serious they were about standards during those hearings, here’s an actual ABC headline:

Witches to ‘hex’ Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh; exorcists pray in response

In the end, though, that witch hunt did result in the discovery of witches.

Outbreak of spontaneous nose growth

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In the era of Adam Schiff as a political party leader, frequent spontaneous nose growth is occurring anytime a microphone and a Democrat are in the same room.  Staff physicians, thus far, have identified no cause for the protrusive nose outbreak.  Their wood-like density and occasional leafy offshoots are even more baffling.

Meanwhile, explosive nose growths on Capitol Hill have resulted in the loss of 17 eyes, 87 cracked press camera lenses and a broken windshield.

At a recent Democrat press conference, now commonly referred to as a Trump re-election event, Nancy Pelosi discussed Schiff’s leadership role in the upcoming impeachment inquiry.

She noted her complete confidence in his abilities.  Apparently, this confidence was limited to his ability to discuss Trump’s atrocities in as much clarity as Stephen Hawking’s explaining the infield fly rule… in Mandarin Chinese… translated to pig Latin.

Pelosi then turned the discussion over to Schiff who proceeded to put the nose extension phenomenon on full display.  With a grimaced face, he explained how it pained him to be critical of the President, but was duty-bound to protect the Constitution.

After Congressional staffers removed the injured and broken cameras from the area, Schiff continued his remarks from behind two feet of leaded glass.

Jerry Nadler offered up some words of advice for the journalists who were eager to do hard-hitting, investigative reporting. He then broke out in uncontrollable laughter since actual journalists are now extinct. Plus, reporters work from home reviewing daily DNC talking points and surfing social media.

Schiff concluded the briefing with information on exciting new nose control research that so far has shown some positive results.  Researchers developed an experimental ointment costing $1.2 billion, funded by the Congressional Litigation Defense Fund.   When Schiff used it without effect, he was counseled on its proper application as a topical cream.

Schiff did report, though, that his chin has almost completely disappeared.

Leave it to Democrats to become overwhelmed with rat pride

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Trump has so angered the Democrats that the DNC held an emergency meeting on Wednesday to review possible changes to their by-laws which, surprisingly, have no mention of rats.  Due to the group’s overwhelming sympathy for what Nancy Pelosi described as ground squirrels only dumber, a resolution was brought forward to change the Democrat mascot from donkey to rat.

A heated debate ensued when Representative Nadler pointed out that Trump frequently disparages penguins and that respect for all mammals should be included.  Senator Mark Warner from Virginia reminded Nadler that a penguin is a bird… and that Trump was actually calling Nadler Batman’s nemesis, the Penguin.

Into the late evening went deliberations until the members realized that the by-laws currently do not even include the donkey as the current Democrat symbol.  However, since “ass” is included, a compromise was proposed by Senator Bernie Sanders to include both as symbols.  This was accepted overwhelmingly at which point Representative Ocasio-Cortez added the approved text into the by-laws using goat’s blood and sorcery.

The official symbol of the Democrat National Committee is now the rat’s ass.  Editorial cartoonists across the country are scrambling to figure out what one looks like.

The new coffee cups arrived!

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Congrats again to the four winners from our previous contest!  They will receive their very own mug, to be shipped this weekend.  Each mug is made from durable ceramic, beautifully designed and well balanced with an easy-to-grip handle so Hillary can hurl it across the room.

We’d love to give more away.  How about a contest contest?

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For the two best new contests you think we should run, we’ll award coffee mugs.

To get you thinking, here are some past posts that could have been turned into contest opportunities.  Links are included.

Come up with your own idea for a contest that pokes at politicians, the media, celebrities or whatever’s making the news.  Feel free to email us directly from the Contacts page with entries or questions.  We’ll close this in one week, on Friday, 3/8.

And the winners are…

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We’ve finally gotten around to tallying up the award nomination categories and nominees that best sum up 2018. Trophy

You may recall that we came up with a few of our own early in December when we kicked off this event.  Check back at the original post for the complete list.  In the mean time, here were just a few:

  • The Disappearing Statesman Award – Paul Ryan
  • The Confused About The Meaning of the Word Journalist Award – Jim Acosta
  • The Most Likely to get Lost on the DC Subway Award – Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
  • A Lifetime Achievement Award (Sleazy Politics category) – Bill Clinton

Without further delay, the winning nomination categories and nominees for 2018….

  • The Making Public Service Work for your Financial Reward Award – Diane Feinstein [submitted by Norris Johnson]
  • The Best Cup of Coughy Award – Hillary Clinton [submitted by Michael Bradford]
  • The Most Classified Information Released without an Indictment – Hillary Clinton [submitted by Russell Abbott]
  • The Just Can’t Let it go Award (aka Bad Loser Award) – Hillary Clinton [submitted by Todd Coleman]

Unfortunately, Hillary couldn’t make it this evening due to a nasty tumble over an empty box of wine.

Those listed above who identified the award categories and selected winning nominees have, themselves, won some fabulous swag in the form of a limited edition Confederacy of Drones coffee mug!  Stay tuned for future opportunities to win more stuff from your friends at COD.

Entire music industry faces possible ban after shocking video surfaces

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A recent revelation involving the entire music industry places most musicians and music producers in jeopardy of being banned from all radio, TV and live performances. Confederacy of Drones, a snarky, unknown and frankly pitiful excuse for a website, uncovered grainy footage of a musical performance that could only be described as an astounding display of insensitive hate speech set to music.

These celebrities brazenly attempted to sing about a Christian event that falls unabashedly during the Happy Holiday Season.

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Undercover photo of Bono, Paul McCartney and Freddie Mercury singing about God and Christmas.

Hidden away in an underground bunker, similar to Hitler, celebrities excitedly orchestrate an eerie sound of bells, bongos and a well rehearsed melody. We only discover upon careful listening that the song is about Christmas, God and praying. If you have the stomach and dare to listen carefully to the lyrics you’ll hear things like:

But say a prayer, pray for the other ones”

Well tonight thank God”

Do they know it’s Christmastime at all?”

Sting hiding his face
Sting hiding his face following the public release of damaging video

The dog whistles in this tune are more like trumpets drowning out the reason for the season: being away from work, fighting shoppers, getting even fatter and decorating the holiday tree.

Upon being confronted with his disregard for common decency, Boy George explained, “As a kid, I didn’t understand the power of certain words and how they can hurt.”

Kevin Spacey joined the world of the woke when he said, “At least I didn’t do that!”