Confederacy of Drones

It’s just not a southern thing to do

Posted on June 3, 2018 Updated on June 3, 2018

The town of Aiken, South Carolina, coming off of its feature in Southern Living magazine as the South’s best small town of 2018 is taking their title seriously.  So seriously that they’re tackling rogue garbage cans, the scourge of any self respecting city below the Mason-Dixon line, and handing out fines for garbage cans left out for over 24 hours.

If that’s now a priority, we thought of a few other issues to add to the list.  Each one equally deserving of fines to inch the South one step closer to rising again.

• Under cooked boiled peanuts
• Not having a personal story about Strom Thurmond
• Wearing white shoes before Easter
• Sugar in grits
• Failing to take every out of town guest on a drive along South Boundary
• Walking back into a host’s home because, as you were leaving, she said, “Ya’ll come back”
• Calling a soft drink something other than “Coke”
• Failing to state the importance of the Battle of Aiken whenever Gettysburg is mentioned
• Forgetting to add “Bless his heart” following an insult
• Preferring Duke’s BBQ over Carolina BBQ
• Faking a southern accent
• Refusing to turn left through a red light at any public fountain
• Failing to send thank-you cards
• Failing if you’re a woman to wear a hat at the steeple chase
• Chewing gum in church; a fine and TWO casseroles at the next funeral