Satire

An appropriate congressional recess

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Congressional Recess Travel Fund

As we all know Congress takes frequent recesses to allow them to “get in touch with their constituents” and “hike the Appalachian Trail.”  Considering their desperate need for some actual rest and relaxation, a GoFundMe has been established for just that purpose.  With the news that Jeff Bezos may soon be charging $200,000 per ride to space, now is the time to provide our most prized politicians with an opportunity that will surely recharge their batteries.  For the 535 members of Congress, this initial GoFundMe opportunity will seek $53.5M.

That should get them half way through their space journey.  We’ll worry about the return trip GoFundMe later.

Congressmen gofundme lr

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A win for Pro-Life and the 1st Amendment and against an intrusive government

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Thanks to at least a few Supreme Court justices there’s still hope for the Constitution.  In a 5-4 ruling they determined that California’s law requiring anti-abortion, faith-based pregnancy centers to advertise for abortion clinics infringed on the pro-life organizations’ 1st Amendment rights.  The scary part is that it wasn’t a 9-0 ruling.

We reported on this in March and pointed out a few “fun” equivalencies including a requirement for the Presbyterian Women’s Garden Club to advertise for a strip club.  We even came up with the advertisement.

Diamonds (1)

Baby Boomers’ guide to social media and communications

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You may think that us Baby Boomers are averse to social media interactions.  In reality, we’re quite active.  It just may not seem that way to millennials.   The likely reason behind that misconception is that BB’s spend time engaging is several socializing methods other than social media.   We know how terrifying face-to-face and voice communications can be, fortunately the BB’s overcame that fear at around the age of two.

So for the benefit of whippersnappers, here are some social media communication lessons for the younger generations who are willing to share the internets.

  • Speaking in emojis can get annoying.  We know sometimes it’s clever and funny but don’t get carried away.  Neanderthals wrote in emojis but they didn’t have an alphabet.  Don’t be a Neanderthal, use the alphabet.
  • We’re most likely to use Facebook than other social media platforms such as Twitter and Instagram.  They’re all the same, right?  Besides, our kids got us started on Facebook and it seems to work fine.
  • Text us if we need to see a message that day; email us for information that should be seen that week and, even though it’s very Mayberry, use an actual phone if you need an immediate response.
  • We purposely limit the amount of personal information on-line.  No one needs to know why you were compelled to go “Code Grey” at the DMV, details on your seaweed facial fiasco, or that public message to someone that really should have been a private conversation.
  • No one cares about your lunch so no need to post pictures.  Now if it’s moving, on fire or making noise, please post plenty of video.
  • If you have a desire to post pictures of Confederacy of Drones’ staff, we’ll need written permission, sample copies of the photo, a copy of your drivers license, your mother’s maiden name, and the make and model of your first car.
  • Arguing on social media is fine, in fact we encourage it.  Name calling, cussing, and typing in all caps, though, just wastes our time.  Remember, our generation goes outside occasionally and won’t spend their life on-line.  See “How do you like them apples.”
  • We don’t measure life in “likes” or the number of “friends.”  Speaking of friends,  we don’t think you know what that word really means.
Keep in mind that BB’s invented the computer and the internet.  You’re welcome.

It’s just not a southern thing to do

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Can Curfew lr

The town of Aiken, South Carolina, coming off of its feature in Southern Living magazine as the South’s best small town of 2018 is taking their title seriously.  So seriously that they’re tackling rogue garbage cans, the scourge of any self respecting city below the Mason-Dixon line, and handing out fines for garbage cans left out for over 24 hours.

If that’s now a priority, we thought of a few other issues to add to the list.  Each one equally deserving of fines to inch the South one step closer to rising again.

  • Under cooked boiled peanuts
  • Not having a personal story about Strom Thurmond
  • Wearing white shoes before Easter
  • Sugar in grits
  • Failing to take every out of town guest on a drive along South Boundary
  • Walking back into a host’s home because, as you were leaving, she said, “Ya’ll come back”
  • Calling a soft drink something other than “Coke”
  • Failing to state the importance of the Battle of Aiken whenever Gettysburg is mentioned
  • Forgetting to add “Bless his heart” following an insult
  • Preferring Duke’s BBQ over Carolina BBQ
  • Faking a southern accent
  • Refusing to turn left through a red light at any public fountain
  • Failing to send thank-you cards
  • Failing if you’re a woman to wear a hat at the steeple chase
  • Chewing gum in church; a fine and TWO casseroles at the next funeral

Fearless Girl ready to hit the road

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It’s been a little over a year since the stare-down between Fearless Girl and the bull began. With her readiness to take her defiant pose and pointy elbows on the road, we thought it’d be a good time to resurrect this piece we put together exactly one year ago.