We no longer have Jeffrey Epstein around due to his highly coincidental and suspicious suicide, or as Hillary calls it, Tuesday house cleaning. We do, though, have the ghost of Epstein materializing at least weekly.
ABC Studios felt his presence most recently.
ABC’s Amy Robach spoke frankly about an unaired story on Epstein that she helped develop. The news piece included connections to Bill Clinton and adventures involving the Lolita Express and Orgy Island.
“It was going to be impactful. Even more so than our seven-part series on Trump’s selfish approach to ice cream scoops”, she recounted when discussing how ABC News killed the story in 2015.
In their defense, ABC stated that
“not all of the reporting met our standards to air. There wasn’t even any video evidence, DNA, polygraph corroboration, confession, or live occurrence at a Super Bowl halftime show.”
ABC also pointed out how busy they were in 2015. “Our priority at the time was a collaborative retrospective with The Weinstein Company on Roman Polansky’s creative genius.”
Following this explanation, Robach appeared to have had a recent head trauma incident. When asked about the 2015 events, she responded: “who’s this Epstein you keep speaking of?”
If it was about standards, one would expect a consistent approach to all ABC reporting. Hence the word “standard.” Say for instance, how they chose to cover the Epstein/Clinton connection compared to Brett Kavanaugh’s coverage during the combined Supreme Court hearings and witch-burning rituals.
A cursory review of ABC’s almost 7000 news items on Kavanaugh, revealed standards as flexible as the personalities of James McAvoy’s “Split” character.
Each accuser’s indictments were thoroughly documented as ABC took the country through five of Dante’s nine levels of purgatory, otherwise known as open hearings.
To give you an idea of how serious they were about standards during those hearings, here’s an actual ABC headline:
In the end, though, that witch hunt did result in the discovery of witches.
Like Nevada’s Chicken Ranch (which doesn’t sell chicken, wink wink), the New York Times is displaying flexibility that should be greatly appreciated by its customers. A recent Times front page headline “Trump Urges Unity vs. Racism” after Trump urged unity versus racism, caused the type of outrage we haven’t seen since Toys ‘R Us stopped selling Che Guevara action figures.
The outcry was so dramatic from several of the Democrat presidential candidates as well as members of Congress and others within the liberal elite that the Times was forced to take action and return to instilling opinion even on the front page, even in front page headlines and even in their motto “All the print bias that fits” or something like that.
Damage control was accomplished with a headline change to “Assailing Hate but not Guns”, distribution of Trump voodoo dolls during the annual elephant dismemberment ritual and sacrificing a Times intern. These noble actions, however, were met with some skepticism, but all is, apparently, forgiven. Their front row table at the annual White House Correspondence Dinner remains secure, for now.
Trump has so angered the Democrats that the DNC held an emergency meeting on Wednesday to review possible changes to their by-laws which, surprisingly, have no mention of rats. Due to the group’s overwhelming sympathy for what Nancy Pelosi described as ground squirrels only dumber, a resolution was brought forward to change the Democrat mascot from donkey to rat.
A heated debate ensued when Representative Nadler pointed out that Trump frequently disparages penguins and that respect for all mammals should be included. Senator Mark Warner from Virginia reminded Nadler that a penguin is a bird… and that Trump was actually calling Nadler Batman’s nemesis, the Penguin.
Into the late evening went deliberations until the members realized that the by-laws currently do not even include the donkey as the current Democrat symbol. However, since “ass” is included, a compromise was proposed by Senator Bernie Sanders to include both as symbols. This was accepted overwhelmingly at which point Representative Ocasio-Cortez added the approved text into the by-laws using goat’s blood and sorcery.
The official symbol of the Democrat National Committee is now the rat’s ass. Editorial cartoonists across the country are scrambling to figure out what one looks like.
A recent revelation involving the entire music industry places most musicians and music producers in jeopardy of being banned from all radio, TV and live performances. Confederacy of Drones, a snarky, unknown and frankly pitiful excuse for a website, uncovered grainy footage of a musical performance that could only be described as an astounding display of insensitive hate speech set to music.
These celebrities brazenly attempted to sing about a Christian event that falls unabashedly during the Happy Holiday Season.
Hidden away in an underground bunker, similar to Hitler, celebrities excitedly orchestrate an eerie sound of bells, bongos and a well rehearsed melody. We only discover upon careful listening that the song is about Christmas, God and praying. If you have the stomach and dare to listen carefully to the lyrics you’ll hear things like:
“But say a prayer, pray for the other ones”
“Well tonight thank God”
“Do they know it’s Christmastime at all?”
The dog whistles in this tune are more like trumpets drowning out the reason for the season: being away from work, fighting shoppers, getting even fatter and decorating the holiday tree.
Upon being confronted with his disregard for common decency, Boy George explained, “As a kid, I didn’t understand the power of certain words and how they can hurt.”
Kevin Spacey joined the world of the woke when he said, “At least I didn’t do that!”
Nominations are due for the 2018 awards to honor those throughout the year who distinguished themselves in a manner deserving of outward ridicule. The list of our nominees is extensive but not complete.
We’re looking for additional nominees in the categories listed, but would love to learn of other categories that highlight the uniqueness that was 2018. All participants will win some form of Confederacy of Drones swag delivered to their mailbox in discrete packaging. The quality of the swag will be dependent on the quality of the input. It will range from a small rock with Confederacy of Drones hand lettered to something even nicer.
Submit your nominations and suggested award categories to email@example.com.
Without further delay, here are the 2018 award categories and our (incomplete) list of nominees.
- The Disappearing Statesman Award – Paul Ryan
- The I’m Not Too Old for Politics Award – Nancy Pelosi
- The Tact Award – Donald Trump
- The My God This World Seems Upside Down Award – Antifa Movement
- The Comeback of the Year Award – Mitt Romney
- A Lifetime Achievement Award (Sleazy Politics category) – Bill Clinton
- The Confused About The Meaning of the Word Journalist Award – Jim Acosta
- The Remember When Religious Figures were Concerned With Religious Matters – Pope Francis
- The All Republicans Really are Racists Award – Michael Moore
- The Most Likely to get Lost on the DC Subway Award – Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
- The You Could Ruin A Wet Dream Award – Roseann Barr
- The Nero Fiddling Award – Jerry Brown
The Washington Post, never one to shy away from blaming Trump whenever possible, may have jumped the shark this week. Their editorial board has declared Trump complicit in hurricane Florence. Obama was more complicit in be-headings than Trump could possibly be in a hurricane.
If the Post is looking for other equally preposterous things for which Trump is deserving of blame, we offer the line-up below. Well, the Omarosa thing, yea, that one’s squarely at his feet.
- the 1969 Mets
- Woody Allen
- restrictor plates at Talledaga
- the classy love affair between Strzok and Page
- Gamecock Football
- the death of Frank Zappa
- 3-clasp bra hooks
- US heat wave of 1934
- dark stars
- poisonous mushrooms that look tasty
- the heartbreak of psoriasis
- cable TV going out last night in Buford, Wyoming
- Angela Merkel’s failed diets
- the broken bridge rail in Chappaquiddick
- the ice age
- Mario Van Peebles acting range
- rise of Nazi Germany
- fall of Nazi Germany
- Madonna and Abba
- JFK and Lee Harvey Oswald killings
- making most women secretly attracted to Melania
- Daylight Savings Time
- every girl that told Ted Cruz she just wanted to be friends
- English food
- San Fransisco sanitation
- Apollo 13
- cruising in the left lane
- Godfather III
- rationed airplane peanuts
- Hollywood movie recycling
- setting Millennial’s expectations too high with rise in middle class incomes and record number of jobs available
Our illustration above was too funny not to make a full cartoon out of it.
Congressional Recess Travel Fund
As we all know Congress takes frequent recesses to allow them to “get in touch with their constituents” and “hike the Appalachian Trail.” Considering their desperate need for some actual rest and relaxation, a GoFundMe has been established for just that purpose. With the news that Jeff Bezos may soon be charging $200,000 per ride to space, now is the time to provide our most prized politicians with an opportunity that will surely recharge their batteries. For the 535 members of Congress, this initial GoFundMe opportunity will seek $53.5M.
That should get them half way through their space journey. We’ll worry about the return trip GoFundMe later.
Thanks to at least a few Supreme Court justices there’s still hope for the Constitution. In a 5-4 ruling they determined that California’s law requiring anti-abortion, faith-based pregnancy centers to advertise for abortion clinics infringed on the pro-life organizations’ 1st Amendment rights. The scary part is that it wasn’t a 9-0 ruling.
We reported on this in March and pointed out a few “fun” equivalencies including a requirement for the Presbyterian Women’s Garden Club to advertise for a strip club. We even came up with the advertisement.
The town of Aiken, South Carolina, coming off of its feature in Southern Living magazine as the South’s best small town of 2018 is taking their title seriously. So seriously that they’re tackling rogue garbage cans, the scourge of any self respecting city below the Mason-Dixon line, and handing out fines for garbage cans left out for over 24 hours.
If that’s now a priority, we thought of a few other issues to add to the list. Each one equally deserving of fines to inch the South one step closer to rising again.
- Under cooked boiled peanuts
- Not having a personal story about Strom Thurmond
- Wearing white shoes before Easter
- Sugar in grits
- Failing to take every out of town guest on a drive along South Boundary
- Walking back into a host’s home because, as you were leaving, she said, “Ya’ll come back”
- Calling a soft drink something other than “Coke”
- Failing to state the importance of the Battle of Aiken whenever Gettysburg is mentioned
- Forgetting to add “Bless his heart” following an insult
- Preferring Duke’s BBQ over Carolina BBQ
- Faking a southern accent
- Refusing to turn left through a red light at any public fountain
- Failing to send thank-you cards
- Failing if you’re a woman to wear a hat at the steeple chase
- Chewing gum in church; a fine and TWO casseroles at the next funeral