Image Posted on Updated on
In a bold move, Robert Mueller expanded his investigative and law enforcement powers to include the authority to read facial expressions and assess fashion statements.
Seeing the potential end to the current Russian collusion investigation, that so far has netted only post-election process violations having nothing to do with collusion, Mueller expanded his powers to include mental telepathy. Mueller explained that it was the next obvious step in the evolution of his authoritarian powers. “I’ve been given so much free reign in these investigations that sixth sense was the only possible new power to be exploited” said Mueller as he attended his weekly back-rub from CNN executives. He added that “fashion police authority was just a bonus.”
Combining telepathic knowledge of what a smirk really means with the poor fashion choice of MAGA hats put the unfortunate Convington Catholic High School students square in his cross hairs … and indictment writing pen.
In response to a reporter who accidentally asked Mueller a hard question about legal aspects of fashion indictments, the Special Counsel lead investigator replied, “And your Social Security number is what?”
There’s still time to get your nominations and nominees in for those deserving a shout-out or a shout-down for their “accomplishments” during 2018.
See all of our awards and nominees at this post.
One nominee for the Upside Down World Award is the Antifa crowd. This well deserving masked group is nominated for their fascists tactics in the name of anti-fascism. They’re either lacking in self-awareness or slept their way through history classes.
Send your suggested awards and nominatees to the Confederacy of Drones here.
In a rare appearance Donald Trump and Michael Cohen gather to hear directly from Mueller about his latest bombshell.
Mueller: I’ve got great news.
Mueller: Oh, not for you. Don’t be silly. It’s just that I’m so giddy over this bombshell that only took two years and millions of dollars to uncover. Let me first say though that this officially puts whipped cream AND a cherry on top of my hard work and coercion!
Trump: That’s great. That’s really terrific. I’ll take two scoops, hold the whipped cream.
Mueller: Mr. Cohen, you sir, claimed the Moscow hotel discussions with Russians ended in January 2016. But … (dramatic pause, dramatic lighting, foreboding music), it actually ended … six months later. Ah ha! Gotcha!
Cohen: OOOOkaaaaay. But I kept Trump informed all along.
Trump: You’re a weak person, very weak, tremendously weak. And a liar, what a liar.
Cohen: Wait a second, everyone relax, including the doberman in the corner. Meeting with Russians, even in June, wasn’t a crime.
Mueller: Oh but you lied to Congress about it. And that entitles me to the really really good news. Step over here. You’ll note a wide assortment of thumbscrews, whips, a restraining chair, and a complete set of dental tools. Unfortunately the rack’s out for service. Papadopoulos threw up all over it.
Cohen: What’s behind door number two?
Mueller: You get Borked or Kavanaughed.
Cohen: Door number three?
Mueller: An opportunity for you to provide a few little juicy details about Trump that we’ll provide to you later.
Cohen: Do your thumbscrews come in a size 9?