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Mark Sanford, the ex-South Carolina governor is now headed to being the ex-congressman after losing his bid for re-election in the SC Republican primary. What’s amazing to us is that his unceremonious fall from the governorship could land him in any political post; and here we’re assuming that there really aren’t elections for dog catcher.
His downfall began when he claimed to be “hiking the Appalachian Trail” following his disappearance in the summer of 2009. He was actually in Argentina with his “soul mate.” What’s interesting is that this occurred exactly nine years ago. That anniversary is easy to remember since, while Sanford was busy getting busy behind the back of his wife and children, he was doing it on Father’s Day.
So now in South Carolina lore when someone says their “hiking the Appalachian Trail”, it’s proceeded by a wink and a nudge. Perhaps “sex” should now be a euphemism for actually hiking the Appalachian Trail. Imagine the marketing potential.
Translation: Who farted.
If you relied entirely on the still photos captured during the G7 summit you might think that all participants were either disgusted with one particular participant or the cabbage and baked beans were a little too potent for leadership digestive systems. Take for example the viral photo below of Trump and other yanks in what appears to be a contentious discussion. Perhaps Trump asked Angela if she and Hillary shopped at the same plus-size pant suit store.
Reality just might be something different. Here’s another photo taken about the same time.
We suspect that the picture’s a little blurry due to the camera immediately being pulled from the cameraman before the shutter was completely closed. The nerve, didn’t he realize a happy, congenial G7 photo was verboten.
In reality we think this blurry one was taken first, immediately followed by a wafting fragrance of methane, cabbage and overcooked broccoli as it overtakes the group, even requiring John Bolton to begin breathing through his mouth. All looked stunned except one person. We believe the culprit who dealt it is obvious due to the sly grin as he establishes an “air” of dominance.
DC certainly loves parades. They have them for the
- Chinese New Year
- cherry blossoms
- Rolling Thunder,
- Independence Day
- Congressional Vacation parade (held quarterly)
- Dignitary-Drive-Through-Town-Blocking-Streets parade (daily)
- Disappointment-In-DC-Sports parade (cancelled this year :0)
But recently they’ve upped their game. The Disconnected-Politician Parade has been turned into an event that previously only occurred daily in the halls of the Rayburn, Longworth, Dirksen and other federal buildings occupied by our Congressmen and women. This year it’s on non-stop full display complete with the chutzpah to expect their adoring citizens to believe the hooey being emitted by our public “servants.” And also smells a little like swamp gas.
Consider this foolishness:
- Tax breaks are crumbs
- People secretly placed as human sources to gather information in Presidential campaigns are not spies
- The President can pardon himself
- Positive economic indicators are not positive economic indicators
- Contact with Russian sources by one party is called treason but when it’s done, and paid for, by another party its call opposition research
- Identifying death as an outcome of the government shutdown… and then voting for a government shutdown (Diane Feinstein)
- Encouraging resistance in the name of tolerance. Remember “If I were in high school, I’d take Trump behind the gym and beat the hell out of him.” (Joe Biden)
- Turning a special council investigation into a self-licking ice cream cone.
Down is up and up is down.
Hell’s freezing over, the pope’s pooping in the woods, and Kim Karadashian got a butt reduction. All of which can only mean one thing. Washington DC team has won a national championship!
Or Nancy Pelosi and Donald Trump had a love child.
The town of Aiken, South Carolina, coming off of its feature in Southern Living magazine as the South’s best small town of 2018 is taking their title seriously. So seriously that they’re tackling rogue garbage cans, the scourge of any self respecting city below the Mason-Dixon line, and handing out fines for garbage cans left out for over 24 hours.
If that’s now a priority, we thought of a few other issues to add to the list. Each one equally deserving of fines to inch the South one step closer to rising again.
- Under cooked boiled peanuts
- Not having a personal story about Strom Thurmond
- Wearing white shoes before Easter
- Sugar in grits
- Failing to take every out of town guest on a drive along South Boundary
- Walking back into a host’s home because, as you were leaving, she said, “Ya’ll come back”
- Calling a soft drink something other than “Coke”
- Failing to state the importance of the Battle of Aiken whenever Gettysburg is mentioned
- Forgetting to add “Bless his heart” following an insult
- Preferring Duke’s BBQ over Carolina BBQ
- Faking a southern accent
- Refusing to turn left through a red light at any public fountain
- Failing to send thank-you cards
- Failing if you’re a woman to wear a hat at the steeple chase
- Chewing gum in church; a fine and TWO casseroles at the next funeral