Latest Event Updates
Apparently the 1978 documentary Invasion of the Body Snatchers was more than just a conspiracy theory, it’s been proven to be our new reality. We’re not sure how one would get infected, but we’ve identified clear signs:
- Participation in the anti-fascist movement by suppressing speech and providing frequent beatings until the rest of us fall in line.
- Thinking ethnic appropriation is very bad but gender appropriation very good.
- Using capitalist innovations to tear down capitalism.
- Crushing civil rights in the name of civil rights.
- Throwing temper tantrums, shaming those who disagree, and administering beatings to promote tolerance.
- Thinking civil war statues are scarier than socialism.
- Supporting open borders.
- Promoting free stuff at post-pod transformation.
Pod people now are a real thing causing such grave confusion in the afflicted that the choice of which bathroom to use is only the beginning of each day’s zombie-like plodding.
Those blank stares, though immediately turn to seething rage at the sight of a red hat, the sound of the Star Spangled Banner, or the smell of freedom and liberty.
Donald Trump meet Donald Sutherland.
Like Nevada’s Chicken Ranch (which doesn’t sell chicken, wink wink), the New York Times is displaying flexibility that should be greatly appreciated by its customers. A recent Times front page headline “Trump Urges Unity vs. Racism” after Trump urged unity versus racism, caused the type of outrage we haven’t seen since Toys ‘R Us stopped selling Che Guevara action figures.
The outcry was so dramatic from several of the Democrat presidential candidates as well as members of Congress and others within the liberal elite that the Times was forced to take action and return to instilling opinion even on the front page, even in front page headlines and even in their motto “All the print bias that fits” or something like that.
Damage control was accomplished with a headline change to “Assailing Hate but not Guns”, distribution of Trump voodoo dolls during the annual elephant dismemberment ritual and sacrificing a Times intern. These noble actions, however, were met with some skepticism, but all is, apparently, forgiven. Their front row table at the annual White House Correspondence Dinner remains secure, for now.