As Adam Schiff opened the final day of impeachment testimony, he thanked the minority party, the day’s witnesses and a country that wants politicians to take care of all basic needs. He expressed confidence that the trail to impeachment would crush President Trump, ending his chance for a second term.
Nancy Pelosi commented that:
“This removes the voter from the election process. And even proves that we can eliminate the act of voting as a basic need. Unless it does the opposite.”
Schiff expressed sureness that voters will come to several unanimous conclusions by the end of the day. Namely that the majority members provided solid proof that Trump says mean things and is orange. Schiff noted another obvious conclusion.
“The committee has relieved an already overburdened citizenry of its voting obligation.”
His confidence was now peaking as evident by the dramatic reduction in his blink rate and eye bulging.
Schiff continued with:
“The country should not place the strain of voting on working-class people, living or dead. We want to free all citizens from their November 2020 election day drudgery for new pursuits”.
To fill the resulting abundance of free time, Schiff suggested memorizing Mao Zedong poetry, identifying crimes against the establishment, or improving on Venezuelan recipes that have road-kill, tree bark, and used socks as the only ingredients.
The committee managed the final testimonies as during the previous days.
Each minority committee member was required to bang their head on the dais three times prior to each five-minute session, precede each question with “by the power given through the committee chair”, and replenish the majority’s stock of peeled grapes during intermissions.
Following the final witness’ testimony, Schiff concluded the House open hearings.
“I’d like to thank everyone who participated during these House Committee on Circus Act Strategy hearings. We all recognize that our citizenry remains too dumb, destitute, dependent and/or deplorable to live without the government as a surrogate parent. Therefore, we next take on John and Jane Q. Public’s burden of food chewing.”
Schiff blinked that last statement in Morse code.
In the era of Adam Schiff as a political party leader, frequent spontaneous nose growth is occurring anytime a microphone and a Democrat are in the same room. Staff physicians, thus far, have identified no cause for the protrusive nose outbreak. Their wood-like density and occasional leafy offshoots are even more baffling.
Meanwhile, explosive nose growths on Capitol Hill have resulted in the loss of 17 eyes, 87 cracked press camera lenses and a broken windshield.
At a recent Democrat press conference, now commonly referred to as a Trump re-election event, Nancy Pelosi discussed Schiff’s leadership role in the upcoming impeachment inquiry.
She noted her complete confidence in his abilities. Apparently, this confidence was limited to his ability to discuss Trump’s atrocities in as much clarity as Stephen Hawking’s explaining the infield fly rule… in Mandarin Chinese… translated to pig Latin.
Pelosi then turned the discussion over to Schiff who proceeded to put the nose extension phenomenon on full display. With a grimaced face, he explained how it pained him to be critical of the President, but was duty-bound to protect the Constitution.
After Congressional staffers removed the injured and broken cameras from the area, Schiff continued his remarks from behind two feet of leaded glass.
Jerry Nadler offered up some words of advice for the journalists who were eager to do hard-hitting, investigative reporting. He then broke out in uncontrollable laughter since actual journalists are now extinct. Plus, reporters work from home reviewing daily DNC talking points and surfing social media.
Schiff concluded the briefing with information on exciting new nose control research that so far has shown some positive results. Researchers developed an experimental ointment costing $1.2 billion, funded by the Congressional Litigation Defense Fund. When Schiff used it without effect, he was counseled on its proper application as a topical cream.
Schiff did report, though, that his chin has almost completely disappeared.
Outlaw politicians from using the word “trillion” (we have a new way to describe the cost of government proposals)
Around election time, which is continual, politicians throw the word “trillion” around hoping taxpayers haven’t a clue to its meaning. So when Bernie says his green new deal will cost $16 trillion, he knows the number 16 doesn’t sound too outrageous. In this case, though, 16 is a very big number. And not big like I bought 16 whole rotisserie chickens at Costco. And not even big like, I bought 16 Costco’s. No. Much. Much bigger.
We looked at this carefully in our post from February 10, 2018 where we evaluated the relative size of $20 trillion, our national debt at the time. As an example, did you know that:
If a reality TV show had 20 trillion words of dialog spoken and ran 24 hours a day, every day, it would last for 250 thousand years.
To help better communicate the size of a trillion, let’s look at the current national debt which stands at $22,535,028,300,000 or as your congressman or woman would put it, a little over $22 trillion. There must be a better way to portray the enormously large $22 trillion debt so that it more effectively communicates the impact on taxpayers.
We offer you a new descriptive unit for the dollar other than “trillion.” We’re calling it drone dollars. It’s the dollars each taxpayer owes for any proposal you hear from your congress-gender-non-specific person. We use “drone” since so many taxpayers just wander through life guided by the “great ideas” from our politicians. We even designed a symbol for it:
You get a national debt in drone dollars of $160,000. So just like Howard Beale in Network, we want you to get up right now and go to the window, open it, stick your head out and yell “my share of the national debt is $160,000!” Oh yeah, and “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!”
By the way, if you do decide to take a peak at the “live” national debt clock, note that it only takes 5 seconds to rack up your drone dollars – $160,000 .
Mad as hell yet?
*[Here we’re using the number of tax returns filed and yes we know it’s an average and yes we haven’t included the 9% collected from corporate taxes – which by the way comes from profits which come from sales which come from people. And taxpayers are people.]