Many years ago Nancy Pelosi bravely said, “We have to pass the bill to know what’s in it.” Well apparently you also have to read the Affordable Care Act after passing.
Figuring that no one had actually unraveled it, we decided to take our best shot. Fourteen and half hours later you could barely tell we’d made any progress on a publication so large that it has its own gravitational field. In a dramatic stroke of brilliance and keen journalistic instinct, or perhaps outright laziness, we decided to start from the back figuring that most gave up long before reaching even Section AK.I.v.456.k.87.ii to know what was in that deeply hidden territory.
What we found, buried so far down that twice we got the bends after pulling ourselves from its depths, is provided here.
- Hospital stays exceeding two days require patient-provided bedpans and light bulbs.
- Co-pays are now tracked by as a Wall Street investment index.
- Supersized meals require a pre-order cholesterol screening.
- Half off Abortion-Tuesdays at Family Dollar stores everywhere.
- The term “deductibles” is omitted from the medical lexicon in favor of “insurer’s fair share.”
- Malpractice lawsuits shall be known as “pulling the ‘ol Okey-Dokey.”
- A sympathetic nod is an authorized cancer treatment.
- Preventive care brain biopsies required for those over 50 and exclusively performed by the New Guinea Papua tribe.
- A 20% tip automatically added to prescription drug purchases.
- All students with a Roman numeral suffix (i.e., III, IV, etc.) are authorized to skip their second year of medical school.
- School lunch programs shall include Soylent Green Fridays.
- All US citizens are equal; however, members of Congress are more equal than you.
- “Physicians” are now called “care administrators”
- Emergency appendectomies are outsourced to Cuba.
- The Big Gulp is replaced by the Rationed Sip.
- Free returns for all patients not satisfied with their amputations.
- Emergency room wait times limited to 2 hours. If less than 2 hours, patients will write repeatedly, “health care is a right” until the 2 hours is reached, then you may see the care administrator.
- Illness is unauthorized on the last day of each month.
- A juggling competition will determine the order patients are seen by care administrators.
- Care administrators are determined by a spin of the regional Wheel O’ Doctors
- Government run meal planning is managed by the Internal Revenue Service.
Apparently Obama knew it wouldn’t be read in its entirety for there, on the second to last page, he’d inserted the nuclear launch codes.