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From the campaign trail to the Appalachian Trail

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Sanford lr

Mark Sanford, the ex-South Carolina governor is now headed to being the ex-congressman after losing his bid for re-election in the SC Republican primary.  What’s amazing to us is that his unceremonious fall from the governorship could land him in any political post; and here we’re assuming that there really aren’t elections for dog catcher.

His downfall began when he claimed to be “hiking the Appalachian Trail” following his  disappearance in the summer of 2009.  He was actually in Argentina with his “soul mate.”  What’s interesting is that this occurred exactly nine years ago.  That anniversary is easy to remember since, while Sanford was busy getting busy behind the back of his wife and children, he was doing it on Father’s Day.

So now in South Carolina lore when someone says their “hiking the Appalachian Trail”, it’s proceeded by a wink and a nudge.  Perhaps “sex” should now be a euphemism for actually hiking the Appalachian Trail.  Imagine the marketing potential.

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G7 faces and the stories behind them

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gerfurzt

Translation:  Who farted.

If you relied entirely on the still photos captured during the G7 summit you might think that all participants were either disgusted with one particular participant or the cabbage and baked beans were a little too potent for leadership digestive systems.  Take for example the viral photo below of Trump and other yanks in what appears to be a contentious discussion.  Perhaps Trump asked Angela if she and Hillary shopped at the same plus-size pant suit store.

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Reality just might be something different.  Here’s another photo taken about the same time.

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We suspect that the picture’s a little blurry due to the camera immediately being pulled from the cameraman before the shutter was completely closed.  The nerve, didn’t he realize a happy, congenial G7 photo was verboten.

In reality we think this blurry one was taken first, immediately followed by a wafting fragrance of methane, cabbage and overcooked broccoli as it overtakes the group, even requiring John Bolton to begin breathing through his mouth.  All looked stunned except one person.  We believe the culprit who dealt it is obvious due to the sly grin as he establishes an “air” of dominance.

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Kim’s move trumped

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In an apparent attempt to out Trump Trump, the North Koreans get all blustery over the summit.  As if reading from the Art of the Deal, Kim attempts to work from a position of power.  He apparently though forgot who wrote that book.  The king of bluster then provides Kim with a middle finger in the shape of a nuclear tipped ICBM.

How much is $20 trillion?

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Congress and the President recently passed a funding bill that would make one think we’re so flush with money that two scoops of ice cream can be served routinely to everyone on Capital Hill.  In reality, a fiscal diet should be in order.   We’re $20 trillion in debt.  It might as well be measured in kajillions, since that number is about as well understood.

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So to put the number 20 trillion in its proper perspective consider these:  

  • If you ate a large size McDonalds fry order at every meal plus had them as part of two snacks a day, that’s five orders a day, you’d reach 20 trillion individual fries in 200 million years.  
  • The average hair plug recipient gets 100 hair plugs in a treatment.  By the way, that’s for the cheap treatment, like moving holes on a golf course green.  If someone were to get 20 trillion plugs, their head would have to be 450 square miles in area.  
  • If you used a condom once an hour, 24 hours a day, starting at age 15 – plus none are used twice, just saying – and you died at the exact age of 100, it would take 25 million more identical lifetimes to use them all up.
  • If a reality TV show had 20 trillion words of dialog spoken and ran 24 hours a day, every day, it would last for 250 thousand years.
  • Speaking of TV, the most popular sized flat screens is the 50 inch version which has an area of 1100 square inches.  If you were fortunate to have the 20 trillion square inch model, it would be the size of 2 million football fields, and those include the end zones.
  • If you collected your entitlement funds in pennies, and managed to save 20 trillion of them, they would weigh more than The Great Wall of China.
  • If your pit bull had very active bowels and managed to poop 20 trillion grams, the poop would cover a basketball court… and be 27 miles high.

Please feel free to do the math.  Maybe one of these as a math problem should be a requirement to vote… or at least to run for Congress.