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Hillary’s Emails FOUND!

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Emails2

Following endless searches by the best IT professionals that the Confederacy of Drones could find, the lost trove of emails, thought long ago wiped by Hillary Clinton, have emerged.  The exclusive content is right here.  Enjoy

From:  Hillary@foiledFOIA.com

To: Big$Pack@sold!.com

RE: IT Services Request

Dear BP,

Again, we have no interest in giving referrals for IT folks!

Don’t contact again.

Hill

 

From:  Hillary@foiledFOIA.com

To: cstevens@state.dept.gov

Draperies?

Got your request for embassy security upgrades.  Thinking white drapes with a few nice splashes of pink.  It’s a very calming color.

Luv,

Hill

 

From:  Hillary@foiledFOIA.com

To: FeelTheBern.finally@bern

Election Chances

Dear Schmuck,

At this point, what difference does it make?

Hill

 

From:  Hillary@foiledFOIA.com

To: NCLegislature@NC.com

Bathroom Choices

Dear Sirs,

It’s was a PANTSUIT!

Hill

 

From:  Hillary@foiledFOIA.com

To:  LISTSERV.WallStreet@gmail.com

Thanks Millions

If you thought Barry was going to flexible with Vlad, you haven’t seen anything yet.  Hang in there with me until after the election and I’ll show you Cirque du Soleil meets the Mustang Ranch flexible.

Luv to all my WS buds.

XOXO,

Hill

 

From:  Hillary@foiledFOIA.com

To:  sultan@oman.org

RE: Clinton Foundation Receipts

My dearest Sultan,

Thanks for the donation of $3,000,000 for the Clinton Foundation.  I was a little surprised that there was postage due though.  Please remit an additional 0.27 cents in the form of check or money order.  Political favors don’t grow on trees, you know.

With deepest bow,

Hill

 

From:  Hillary@foiledFOIA.com

To:  princebajuel@nigeria.palace.com

RE: Nigerian Request for Urgent Business Relationship

Dear Prince Bajuel:

You’re email was an unexpected surprise.   Yes, I would very much be interested in handling Nigerian money that you are having difficulty moving from your country, for a fee as you suggested.  And yes, I have ways of keeping this confidential.

Please send information as soon as possible.

Yours,

Hill

 

From:  Hillary@foiledFOIA.com

To: EntitledBrats@scared.com

My Dearest EBrats,

Give me a little room then afterwards we can hit the reset. Safe spaces and microagression enforcement will BE the Hillary presidency.

Here to coddle,

Grandma Hill

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Learn to love the bomb

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Trump Rocket

Like Slim Pickens in “Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb” the Republicans might as well hold on, enjoy the ride and act excited about what their doing.

 

1474_5

 

Pandering, er, I mean tours.

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Tours

Now that the presumptive presidential nominee for the Democrats knows who’s she’ll be running against, she’s going “touring” again.  First “listening” and now “breaking down barriers.”  We thought we’d offer up a few tours that will likely be high on Hillary’s list of tour topics.

  1. Kill Coal Industry Tour (unless I’m in West Virginia then Go Mountaineers Tour)

  2. Make America Average Again Tour

  3. My God, Can’t We Keep the Bimbos From Bill Tour

  4. Bernie is Such a Pussy Tour

  5. Watch Me Finish Bernie Off Like Roman Gladiator Against a Peasant Tour

  6. Never Poor Again Tour

  7. Hurry To The White House Before the Ghosts of Politics Past Come Back to Haunt Me Tour

  8. Where’s MY “Tingle-up-the-leg” Moment? Tour

  9. Can’t Blame You Bill, I’d Do Her Too Tour

  10. The Frank Underwood’s An Amatuer Tour

  11. Inappropriate Cackling Tour

  12. Pantsuit on Fire Tour

  13. Opaque Transparency Tour

  14. Transparent Opaque Tour

  15. Dammit Just Coronate Me Already Tour

Never mind, she’s already rolling along on all of these tours at once.  Let’s just call it the Tour Tour.

Alternative movie projects for Will Ferrell

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Farrell no beard

Now that Will Ferrell has given up on his movie project featuring the hilarious high-jinks of Ronald Reagan during the Alzheimer’s years, we thought we’d offer up a few alternatives that will surely lead to thigh slapping and uncontrollable floor rolling.

  •   Follow Ghandi as his efforts to start the Eastern Chapter of Weight Watchers get uproariously mistaken for a political statement due to his all too effective diet.
  •   Little known correspondence between Hitler and FDR is revealed in this brilliant comedy as the Fuhrer promises Roosevelt free spa treatment for his legs including invigorating showers and deep-heating therapy.
  •   Return to JFK’s early life before Camelot as he works part-time selling convertibles.  “Your mind will be blown at how well anyone can scope you out as you cruise for attention” says Kennedy during one of many laugh-out-loud moments.
  •   The last few months of Steve Jobs life are chronicled in this bio pic, rom-com as the  entrepreneur searches for a cancer cure.  Hilarity ensues when he’s convinced that the proper treatment is peanut butter enemas.”
  •   Prepare to bust a gut as you watch the unsuspecting Stephen Hawking get his wheelchair hacked by two teenagers from Deerfield, Kansas.  Then follow the antics as these scamps control everything the brilliant scientists says and does.  The comedy gets even sharper as a cult-like following of the theoretical physicist develops.

If those won’t work for Mr. Ferrell – even though we’ve practically provided concise plot lines with only a few blanks left to fill in – here are other well know people along with traits he may be able to mine for comedic gold.

Ferrell table

 

Springsteen sings the bathroom choice blues

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BruceUSA

Sung to the tune of Born in the USA

Got in a bathroom jam.
Cancelled out on Greensboro, man.
North Carolina’s like a foreign land.
Said, “you gotta pee in the proper can.

 

Need the girls room to do my business in.
Want to have my own GYN.
Doc doesn’t realize that I am The Boss.
All he says is “turn your head and cough.

 
Gettin’ attention in the media.
The rest of you have a phobia.

Gotta love that CNN.
Said “go ahead, change your name to Gwen.

 
Born in the USA, with the wrong gen-italia.
Can stand up to piss and all they say is “duh.

I’m willin to be born different from men.
Willin to be born, ‘cept born again.

 

Born in the USA, with the wrong gen-italia.
I have wrong gen-italia, wrong gen-italia.

Frightening things you didn’t know

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FARC

While we weren’t paying attention because we’ve been so engrossed in the Republican campaign, you know, watching the my-wife-is-prettier-than-your-wife twitter war that has more in common with MTV than than the GOP, John Kerry attended an interesting meeting.  Kerry does look a little like Gomer Pyle so it seems fitting to offer up a “surprise, surprise, surprise” that during his recent visit to Havana, Cuba, he met with…wait for it… a terrorist organization.

If you’ve never heard of FARC, don’t feel bad, very few have, at least very few who live north of Cuba.  FARC is the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Columbia (or in Spanish,  Fuerzas Armadas Revolucionarias de Colombia).  A terrorist organization that has waged war with Colombia for many years.  They’re well financed through wholesome endeavors such as kidnapping, extortion, and drug trafficking.  In fact, they’re one of the largest drug traffickers in the world.  Their unique brand of capitalism aside, they also rape and murder.  That nasty murdering thing is likely why the US has had them listed as a terrorist organization for the past 20 years.  

FARC, backed by Castro’s Cuba, has an ongoing battle with the Colombian government and the people of Colombia.   And now, in an attempt to create a legacy, any legacy, the Obama administration is giving legitimacy to FARC to encourage a peace deal.  A peace deal that has been in the works for years with no positive results.  Who knew you that you can’t negotiate with terrorists.

Don’t think this legitimizes FARC?  Consider FARC’s latest chest puffing announcement pointed out by Mary Anastasia O’Grady’s article in the Wall Street Journal : “We hope that as a consequence, we are recognized as a political force committed to the expansion of democracy and social progress in Colombia.”

If there’s progress towards peace, it’ll include little cost to FARC other than meaningless promises, if they get their way.  As stated in a recent edition of Foreign Policy, FARC could be removed from the terrorist list and arrest warrants suspended against FARC leaders (at last count there were at least 60 FARC members with U.S. grand jury indictments against them and for whom the U.S. Department of Justice has standing extradition requests to the Colombian government).

FARC wants to be considered a political force in Colombia with no consequences for their horrific actions.  If Colombia bows, that’s not compromise, that’s surrender.

 

A tomb and a newspaper

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Easter

If you happen to take the Washington Post you’ll notice something so obviously missing in the Easter Sunday edition that you’ll doubt your calendar.  Not a single mention of Easter in this national newspaper except for a reference to it in the Metro Section in an article associated with foot washing.  It wasn’t worthy of the national news section, nor the international news section, nor the style section, nor sports, nor opinion.  One article in Metro.

Maybe their own calendar is broken.