Many years ago Nancy Pelosi bravely said, “We have to pass the bill to know what’s in it.” Well apparently you also have to read the Affordable Care Act after passing.
Figuring that no one had actually unraveled it, we decided to take our best shot. Fourteen and half hours later you could barely tell we’d made any progress on a publication so large that it has its own gravitational field. In a dramatic stroke of brilliance and keen journalistic instinct, or perhaps outright laziness, we decided to start from the back figuring that most gave up long before reaching even Section AK.I.v.456.k.87.ii to know what was in that deeply hidden territory.
What we found, buried so far down that twice we got the bends after pulling ourselves from its depths, is provided here.
- Hospital stays exceeding two days require patient-provided bedpans and light bulbs.
- Co-pays are now tracked by as a Wall Street investment index.
- Supersized meals require a pre-order cholesterol screening.
- Half off Abortion-Tuesdays at Family Dollar stores everywhere.
- The term “deductibles” is omitted from the medical lexicon in favor of “insurer’s fair share.”
- Malpractice lawsuits shall be known as “pulling the ‘ol Okey-Dokey.”
- A sympathetic nod is an authorized cancer treatment.
- Preventive care brain biopsies required for those over 50 and exclusively performed by the New Guinea Papua tribe.
- A 20% tip automatically added to prescription drug purchases.
- All students with a Roman numeral suffix (i.e., III, IV, etc.) are authorized to skip their second year of medical school.
- School lunch programs shall include Soylent Green Fridays.
- All US citizens are equal; however, members of Congress are more equal than you.
- “Physicians” are now called “care administrators”
- Emergency appendectomies are outsourced to Cuba.
- The Big Gulp is replaced by the Rationed Sip.
- Free returns for all patients not satisfied with their amputations.
- Emergency room wait times limited to 2 hours. If less than 2 hours, patients will write repeatedly, “health care is a right” until the 2 hours is reached, then you may see the care administrator.
- Illness is unauthorized on the last day of each month.
- A juggling competition will determine the order patients are seen by care administrators.
- Care administrators are determined by a spin of the regional Wheel O’ Doctors
- Government run meal planning is managed by the Internal Revenue Service.
Apparently Obama knew it wouldn’t be read in its entirety for there, on the second to last page, he’d inserted the nuclear launch codes.
Just exactly where are we going. Only time will tell. Consider the poem by Arthur Guiterman.
“On the Vanity of Earthly Greatness
The tusks which clashed in mighty brawls
Of mastodons, are billiard balls.
The sword of Charlemagne the Just
Is Ferric Oxide, known as rust.
The grizzly bear, whose potent hug,
Was feared by all, is now a rug.
Great Caesar’s bust is on the shelf,
And I don’t feel so well myself.”
To put this in a more short term perspective, we offer:
“You feel as though we’re likely doomed,
because a showdown shortly looms.
Your cheer, though, follows your bodily health,
but I’m not feeling so well myself.”
– Confederacy of Drones
The GMO-conscious Chipotle restaurants have been recently linked to an outbreak of e coli bacteria infections in as many as 52 people in 9 states across the country as of Friday, 12/4/15. Perhaps the restaurant chain should spend more time working on pathogen avoidance which we know are deadly, instead of GMO’s which have shown no proven harmful effects. Even with the admitted lack of effects, the FDA already regulates food derived through biotechnology such as GMO’s. Personally, we’d rather have e coli-free burritos. You can keep your GMO hysteria.