In a rare appearance Donald Trump and Michael Cohen gather to hear directly from Mueller about his latest bombshell.
Mueller: I’ve got great news.
Mueller: Oh, not for you. Don’t be silly. It’s just that I’m so giddy over this bombshell that only took two years and millions of dollars to uncover. Let me first say though that this officially puts whipped cream AND a cherry on top of my hard work and coercion!
Trump: That’s great. That’s really terrific. I’ll take two scoops, hold the whipped cream.
Mueller: Mr. Cohen, you sir, claimed the Moscow hotel discussions with Russians ended in January 2016. But … (dramatic pause, dramatic lighting, foreboding music), it actually ended … six months later. Ah ha! Gotcha!
Cohen: OOOOkaaaaay. But I kept Trump informed all along.
Trump: You’re a weak person, very weak, tremendously weak. And a liar, what a liar.
Cohen: Wait a second, everyone relax, including the doberman in the corner. Meeting with Russians, even in June, wasn’t a crime.
Mueller: Oh but you lied to Congress about it. And that entitles me to the really really good news. Step over here. You’ll note a wide assortment of thumbscrews, whips, a restraining chair, and a complete set of dental tools. Unfortunately the rack’s out for service. Papadopoulos threw up all over it.
Cohen: What’s behind door number two?
Mueller: You get Borked or Kavanaughed.
Cohen: Door number three?
Mueller: An opportunity for you to provide a few little juicy details about Trump that we’ll provide to you later.
Cohen: Do your thumbscrews come in a size 9?
The goal post has been doing a lot of roaming lately. Almost as much as the attempted moves by the Democrats when Trump sent Hillary packing. “Oh, sure he won the electoral votes needed, but not the popular vote, the left-handed vote, and the number of voters who voted in the middle of the day vote.”
Here’s a quick run-down of the how the recent accusations have evolved.
We’re keeping our fingers crossed that he’s never ripped a tag off a mattress.
Clear bias on the part of the FBI while investigating Clinton and then Trump is spelled out in the Horowitz report … but the report concludes that no documented evidence of bias could be linked directly to decisions made during the investigation. Is it the legal system or the DC system that struggles with the obvious. No rational person could read the text messages between named and unnamed FBI personnel and think that bias isn’t in play. I guess the emphasis is on the word “documented.” It would have been interesting if the conclusion stated that
Although no documented bias was identified, they certainly loved Hillary and hated Trump and had the power, either subtly or overtly, to swing both investigations in the precise directions they eventually turned. What the $#%& was the FBI thinking?
So Mueller’s process for determining who should have high ranking authority in both investigations certainly must have been interesting.
Mueller: Team, I’ll need to select individuals to head up investigations that will have far reaching impacts on this country. A country, by the way, that many people actually love.
Strzok: Sir, I believe I can provide integrity in any investigation whether it involves Queen Hillary (Strzok bows deeply) or that vile Trump (Strzok appears to come close to vomiting but instead makes a hacking noise like a cat dislodging a hairball).
Mueller: That’s the kind of commitment I like to see. Let me ask you a question though. If Trump was on fire, would you pour gasoline or jet fuel on him?
Strzok: Sir, I believe that’s a trick question. I would have poured gasoline on him before lighting him on fire.
Mueller: Committed and intelligent, I like it! You’re hired. And remember, when you see Hillary, no eye contact. We don’t want to do anything that would appear disrespectful to our next president.