Bernie Sanders, in desperation to secure the Democrat nomination for President, is busy making deals. Late last Friday, Sanders, and members of the Lake Champlain Bernie Bro chapter gathered at one of Sander’s homes for a disturbing ritual.
The horrific event, intended to facilitate a bargain with the Angel of Darkness, was gruesome. It was even more disturbing than bladder-buster night at Loose Interns Bar and Grill.
In preparation for the evening’s call to Lucifer, Sanders attended the Frothington Hill Women’s Democrat Club during their semi-annual Trashing-of-Melania barbeque and cakewalk. With the offer of an endless buffet, Sanders successfully coaxed ladies to participate in a virgin sacrifice, including test runs.
False idols made of gold and old white men
To adorn Sanders’ ceremonial altar, Bernie Bros created a golden donkey statue, formed from melting down two of the candidate’s toilet seats. Sanders added a Che Guevara flag as a backdrop which, as noted by the surviving test-run virgins, brought out the socialist red in Bernie’s eyes.
At last, all was ready.
If enthusiasm, optimism, and energy were the measure of success, the night would have been triumphant. Alas, the King of Hell was a no show. During the After-Action Review, Sanders questioned the authenticity of the rite.
Especially when it became clear that the attendees were unfamiliar with the meaning of the words “woman” and “virgin.”
Sanders’ nomination hopes now need even bolder measures taken.
Bernie Bros couldn’t contact Santa Claus for another eight months. Oprah was busy readying Michelle Obama for a late run at the nomination. Leprechauns never left Dublin this year. And Independence Day had nothing to offer except for something called patriotism. Which is useless during a Democrat nominating process.
The last hope was the Easter Bunny. Bernie Bro chapters coast-to-coast conducted an exhaustive search and finally, the famed rabbit was found. The resulting meeting cemented a deal that satisfied both parties. In return for the rabbit securing the required number of delegates, Sanders provided him with the golden donkey and two of the spared virgins.
On Easter morning, however, Joe Biden continued to hold a commanding lead in delegates. In a surprise to Sanders, it turned out that Biden’s “Easter Bunny” was just an inebriated guy they found on Bourbon Street wearing a rabbit costume.
The media’s interest in the Democrat Primary is on an apparent decline. Corona Trump Derangement-45 is making headlines over the Democrat primary race.
This is surprising since media often gravitate toward fires. The stench though may have forced them to keep their distance. This fire is consuming a dumpster. The other reason for keeping only one eye on the primary is the media’s inability to turn it into an attack on Trump.
The media’s worn out attempts to develop Russia-gate, Ukraine-gate, and over-cooked-steak-with-ketchup-and-two-scoops-of-ice-cream-gate smells of desperation and Brussel sprouts.
In an effort to show us their determination at blaming everything on Trump, the media are displaying the gusto of left-wing elitists at a Soros-sponsored baby-parts auction. The following attempts haven’t stuck to Trump but you have to admire the creativity.
Reasons the Democrat debates have gone so poorly:
- Chaotic and uncontained exuberance for defeating Trump. After all, a strong economy removes voters’ victim status, the party’s lifeblood.
- Candidates believe Trump is easily beaten leading to too many contenders. At least that’s what people in LA and NYC told them.
- Hate for Trump brings out exaggerated facial expressions and mannerisms making editorial cartoonists’ jobs too easy.
- The candidates are stricken with Trump Derangement Syndrome. One symptom is the desire to embrace the complete opposite of Trump. Like capitalism countered with socialism, border security countered with open borders and winning countered with losing.
Then a new virus called severe acute respiratory syndrome-related coronavirus 2, or SARS-CoV-2 begins running rampant through Wuhan, China. New hope springs from the Democrats as they crank up the carbon generating, fossil fuel-powered political machine. Damn global warming, full speed ahead.
A nickname tying Trump to this will SURELY bring him down.
The media quickly recognize that the name SARS-CoV-2 can’t be exploited against Trump.
Sure SARS was really bad and really deadly, but it’ll be been-there-done-that in the mind of U.S. voters. Jim Acosta poll-tested “Trump Flu” but respondents overwhelmingly thought that was the virus that causes Trump Derangement Syndrome.
Then at the mere mention of Trump Derangement Syndrome, media members automatically slipped into their straight-jackets in a pre-conditioned response.
The media’s apoplectic fit recovery and straight-jacket removal delayed the development of an appropriate Trump/flu nickname. The opportunity had long passed. “Coronavirus” had secured itself in the nation’s lexicon.
The media went to the Democrats for help. “Why is it so hard to stick a nickname to Trump”, came their collective appeal.
In unison were blank stares and shoulder shrugs from Crazy Nancy, Cryin’ Chuck, Sleepy Joe, and Mini Mike.