Latest Event Updates
Since the NFL doesn’t seem to mind players expressing their political opinions while they have a captive, paying audience, we were wondering what else the NFL might do to negatively impact the fans’ experience. Here are a few thoughts.
- AARP-sponsored cheerleaders
- playing field vibrates and scores are determined when someone randomly skitters across the goal line with the ball. All done to to ACDC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long”
- quinoa replaces meat products sold at concession stands
- games are canceled when actual snowflakes fall on the field
- each fan family is required to take home a multimillionaire player to continue the lectures re how unfair it is to live in the USA
- the 2-minute warning is replaced with the 2-minute nation admonishment
- lousy domestic swill beer is sold at $8 per warm plastic cup (oh sorry, already got that one)
- pre-chewed pretzels
- rubbery chicken tenders will actually be made of rubber
- three drink minimum
- the “Hail Mary” will be replaced with the “Allah Akbar”
- “Wear Your Own Uniform” day. All black along with masks encouraged
- ISIS sponsored give-a-ways include headless bobbleheads
- Festivus will be recognized as an official NFL holiday. Player introductions will include the airing of a grievance.
- concession stands all closed during political protests
- concession food containers will be limited to environmentally friendly banana leaves
- ESPN announcers to fist fight Jerry Jones during half time to Madonnas’ “Material Girl” (Note: Jerry wins)
Main Stream News
ANCHOR: And now for commentary on a First Lady’s focus on skin color, here’s Emily Litella.
LITELLA: I am deeply bothered by Melania constantly pointing out the race of people. Why can’t she just see people for who they are and not by the color of their skin. It’s just awful. When Melania sees skin color as a person’s defining characteristic, that’s just, well, racist!
ANCHOR: Miss Litella, excuse me.
ANCHOR: Michelle Obama is the First Lady who’s hung up on skin color. Michelle, not Melania. Michelle.
LITELLA: Oh … well … that’s different. Never mind.