Hawking

Final acts by Obama to secure his legacy

Posted on Updated on

webs

Obama’s been quite busy during the last few weeks of his presidency in an attempt to have a legacy when he leaves office.  In that spirit, we thought we’d predict a few possible last minute actions this administration might take.

  • Declare Stephen Hawking the JV team of theoretical physics.
  • Pardon the rap music industry – past, present, and future – for the misogynist, racist, anti-zionist rage they spew.
  • Pardon Hillary for all past criminal activity and up to seven future murders.
  • In response to Israel now ignoring the earlier UN resolution, convince the UN to pass the much stricter “I Know You Are But What Am I” resolution immediately followed by the “Finger Wag of Disapproval” declaration.
  • Burn the Lincoln Room furnishings before the Mongol hord invades.  
  • Declare 1/20/17 as national “Lost Hope” Day.
  • Make Facebook the official news agency of the US and establish MSNBC as sanctioned fact checker.
  • Replace US History textbooks in middle and high school with binders of meme’s.
  • Declare Jimmy Spencer’s backyard sandbox in Wheaton, Kansas, as protected land complete with digging restrictions.
  • Fire FBI Director James Comey and replace him with Hillary Clinton.
  • Require unemployment figures to slowly transition over the next four years to include those people who have given up on employment.
  • Give Hillary the Resolute Desk to prevent Trump from propping his feet up on it.  Besides, anyone who would want the presidency so bad that they’d lie, cheat, and corrupt so many is the definition of “resolute.”
  • Issue an Executive Order requiring Christians to stitch a cross onto their clothing so that liberals know who should get a Merry Christmas greeting. 
  • Establish safe spaces for entertainers who’re traumatized by the possibility of performing for conservatives.  Bouncers will be checking for crosses stitched on clothing.
  • Replace all of the Czars in the White House with the guy who made the Russian “reset” button.
  • Set up an oversight group led by the Congressional Black Caucus to approve all future Beer Summits.
  • Eliminate “No Child Left Behind” and re-purpose the slogan for Planned Parenthood.
  • Issue an Executive Order to require any new fences built in the US to be no higher than 10 feet.
  • Immediately commission an aid package to Mexico that includes 12 million 11-foot ladders.legacy
  • Rename HUD headquarters The Fidel Castro Memorial Center.
  • With the success of casual Fridays, institute “Narcissist Mondays” – but only Obama is allowed to participate.  “It goes so well with our ‘Narcissist Tuesdays through Sundays’ program” said the President.
  • Follow that with “No-Criticism-of-Former-Presidents-with-the-Initials-BO Tuesdays.”
  • Require all bakeries to maintain Bride of Satan cakes.  Inventory of virgin organs not required.

 

Alternative movie projects for Will Ferrell

Posted on Updated on

Farrell no beard

Now that Will Ferrell has given up on his movie project featuring the hilarious high-jinks of Ronald Reagan during the Alzheimer’s years, we thought we’d offer up a few alternatives that will surely lead to thigh slapping and uncontrollable floor rolling.

  •   Follow Ghandi as his efforts to start the Eastern Chapter of Weight Watchers get uproariously mistaken for a political statement due to his all too effective diet.
  •   Little known correspondence between Hitler and FDR is revealed in this brilliant comedy as the Fuhrer promises Roosevelt free spa treatment for his legs including invigorating showers and deep-heating therapy.
  •   Return to JFK’s early life before Camelot as he works part-time selling convertibles.  “Your mind will be blown at how well anyone can scope you out as you cruise for attention” says Kennedy during one of many laugh-out-loud moments.
  •   The last few months of Steve Jobs life are chronicled in this bio pic, rom-com as the  entrepreneur searches for a cancer cure.  Hilarity ensues when he’s convinced that the proper treatment is peanut butter enemas.”
  •   Prepare to bust a gut as you watch the unsuspecting Stephen Hawking get his wheelchair hacked by two teenagers from Deerfield, Kansas.  Then follow the antics as these scamps control everything the brilliant scientists says and does.  The comedy gets even sharper as a cult-like following of the theoretical physicist develops.

If those won’t work for Mr. Ferrell – even though we’ve practically provided concise plot lines with only a few blanks left to fill in – here are other well know people along with traits he may be able to mine for comedic gold.

Ferrell table