election
Fake News Includes the Spin
The latest Washington Post/ABC poll checks the pulse of voters to determine the level of presidential buyer’s remorse. You can almost sense WaPo’s giddiness in a feature article on the poll as they highlight the worst of the Trump news and sink anything Trump-positive to the very bottom.
After you’ve read through the first 1450 words of this 1489-word article, WaPo begrudgingly gets to the most interesting poll result; Trump would beat Hillary even in the popular vote if the election were held today.
That got us to thinking how else the mainstream print outlets can spin a story toward their preconceived biases. Below are a few thoughts on how that might look.
Fakestream News in headlines
If you listened, watched or attended the recent CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference) you’d likely come away with a sense of American pride, unity and focus. If you read the mainstream media’s account or even just their headlines, you’d get quite a different story. Not only can they not help but interject bias in the news, they seem unable to avoid its intrusion in headlines. This insinuated pessimism might make one think they were referring to the dysfunction within the DNC. But no, they’ve managed to suggest that a cohesive, patriotic event was actually an exercise in turmoil, angst and equivocation. Here are a few actual headlines as examples….
Given this tendency toward hate-filled cynicism, we thought we’d contribute a few examples for the fakestream media to consider if they’re really serious about misleading through headline bias….
Ivanka’s perfume made from the tears of social justice warriors
Bannon leaks news: Wash Monument to be moved to Mexican border as part of new wall
Misogynist CPAC has no representation from ugly women
Oval Office desk replaced with folding card table and bust of Hitler
Planned parenthood offices to be walled up and then closed by national guard units as part of training for the deportation Dreamers and people who like puppies
Metal detectors at CPAC just another symbol for a “wall”
Fed US govt to be moved from Wash DC to Kansas City, MO
WH planning a pamphlet describing best ways to disenfranchise the LBGTQRST-UVWXYZ community.
Not a single left handed, bi-sexual albino at CPAC
Melania a sex slave; Baron a highly intelligent robot
Minorities spotted at CPAC presumed to be named Tom, Uncle Tom
Gluton consumption rampant at CPAC
Racist Flag unfurled at CPAC during singing of Star Spangled Banner. Referred to as “Old Glory” an obvious trigger to the elderly
Masthead Masters
The Washington Post recently unveiled their thought provoking new masthead. See below.
It got us to thinking that there must have been quite a few selections considered before landing on Democracy Dies in the Dark. Our crack team of reporters then made it their mission to scour the streets of DC to find the rejected mastheads. And by “scour” we mean dumpster diving behind WaPo’s headquarters. Buried deeply beneath the tear soaked We’re With Her t-shirts and the reams of used Saul Alinsky checklists, we found the following mother load of discarded mastheads.
Before you play, know the rules
In politics, as in sports, it’s important to know the rules if you want to be successful. The angst felt by Hillary fans is currently sky high as they watch Donald Trump prepare to take the oath of office. What makes this doubly painful for them is that their candidate “won” … well, even though she didn’t. Perhaps if Hillary knew how the Electoral College worked she would have stepped at least one foot in Wisconsin.
Here are a few other surprise moments in politics, sports and life that may have caused the uninitiated to question how things could have turned so poorly despite their best efforts.
- Basketball – losing even though you made more baskets but forgot that free throws count only one point
- TV ratings – ending up at the bottom even though your programming is geared toward left handed transgenders under the age of 25
- Blocking traffic – getting run over even though you felt empowered
- Cyber Security – getting hacked by Russian spies even though you gave them a reset button
- Cyber Security II – giving your password to Russian spies even if your name is John Podesta and you were entrusted with managing a presidential campaign
- Presidency – having your scandals pointed out even though you declared your presidency scandal-free
- Chess – losing even though you have more pieces
- Overseas Contingency Operations – being labeled a war monger even though you proudly wear your Nobel Peace Prize medallion
Final acts by Obama to secure his legacy
Obama’s been quite busy during the last few weeks of his presidency in an attempt to have a legacy when he leaves office. In that spirit, we thought we’d predict a few possible last minute actions this administration might take.
- Declare Stephen Hawking the JV team of theoretical physics.
- Pardon the rap music industry – past, present, and future – for the misogynist, racist, anti-zionist rage they spew.
- Pardon Hillary for all past criminal activity and up to seven future murders.
- In response to Israel now ignoring the earlier UN resolution, convince the UN to pass the much stricter “I Know You Are But What Am I” resolution immediately followed by the “Finger Wag of Disapproval” declaration.
- Burn the Lincoln Room furnishings before the Mongol hord invades.
- Declare 1/20/17 as national “Lost Hope” Day.
- Make Facebook the official news agency of the US and establish MSNBC as sanctioned fact checker.
- Replace US History textbooks in middle and high school with binders of meme’s.
- Declare Jimmy Spencer’s backyard sandbox in Wheaton, Kansas, as protected land complete with digging restrictions.
- Fire FBI Director James Comey and replace him with Hillary Clinton.
- Require unemployment figures to slowly transition over the next four years to include those people who have given up on employment.
- Give Hillary the Resolute Desk to prevent Trump from propping his feet up on it. Besides, anyone who would want the presidency so bad that they’d lie, cheat, and corrupt so many is the definition of “resolute.”
- Issue an Executive Order requiring Christians to stitch a cross onto their clothing so that liberals know who should get a Merry Christmas greeting.
- Establish safe spaces for entertainers who’re traumatized by the possibility of performing for conservatives. Bouncers will be checking for crosses stitched on clothing.
- Replace all of the Czars in the White House with the guy who made the Russian “reset” button.
- Set up an oversight group led by the Congressional Black Caucus to approve all future Beer Summits.
- Eliminate “No Child Left Behind” and re-purpose the slogan for Planned Parenthood.
- Issue an Executive Order to require any new fences built in the US to be no higher than 10 feet.
- Immediately commission an aid package to Mexico that includes 12 million 11-foot ladders.
- Rename HUD headquarters The Fidel Castro Memorial Center.
- With the success of casual Fridays, institute “Narcissist Mondays” – but only Obama is allowed to participate. “It goes so well with our ‘Narcissist Tuesdays through Sundays’ program” said the President.
- Follow that with “No-Criticism-of-Former-Presidents-with-the-Initials-BO Tuesdays.”
- Require all bakeries to maintain Bride of Satan cakes. Inventory of virgin organs not required.
Confederacy of Drones 