Politics
And the smirk, don’t forget the smirk!
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In a bold move, Robert Mueller expanded his investigative and law enforcement powers to include the authority to read facial expressions and assess fashion statements.
Seeing the potential end to the current Russian collusion investigation, that so far has netted only post-election process violations having nothing to do with collusion, Mueller expanded his powers to include mental telepathy. Mueller explained that it was the next obvious step in the evolution of his authoritarian powers. “I’ve been given so much free reign in these investigations that sixth sense was the only possible new power to be exploited” said Mueller as he attended his weekly back-rub from CNN executives. He added that “fashion police authority was just a bonus.”
Combining telepathic knowledge of what a smirk really means with the poor fashion choice of MAGA hats put the unfortunate Convington Catholic High School students square in his cross hairs … and indictment writing pen.
In response to a reporter who accidentally asked Mueller a hard question about legal aspects of fashion indictments, the Special Counsel lead investigator replied, “And your Social Security number is what?”
Annual Awards and Nominations still open
There’s still time to get your nominations and nominees in for those deserving a shout-out or a shout-down for their “accomplishments” during 2018.
See all of our awards and nominees at this post.
One nominee for the Upside Down World Award is the Antifa crowd. This well deserving masked group is nominated for their fascists tactics in the name of anti-fascism. They’re either lacking in self-awareness or slept their way through history classes.
Send your suggested awards and nominatees to the Confederacy of Drones here.
Behind the scenes of Mueller’s investigation
In a rare appearance Donald Trump and Michael Cohen gather to hear directly from Mueller about his latest bombshell.
Mueller: I’ve got great news.
Trump/Cohen: What?
Mueller: Oh, not for you. Don’t be silly. It’s just that I’m so giddy over this bombshell that only took two years and millions of dollars to uncover. Let me first say though that this officially puts whipped cream AND a cherry on top of my hard work and coercion!
Trump: That’s great. That’s really terrific. I’ll take two scoops, hold the whipped cream.
Mueller: Mr. Cohen, you sir, claimed the Moscow hotel discussions with Russians ended in January 2016. But … (dramatic pause, dramatic lighting, foreboding music), it actually ended … six months later. Ah ha! Gotcha!
Cohen: OOOOkaaaaay. But I kept Trump informed all along.
Trump: Uh-uh
Cohen: Uh-huh
Trump: Uh-uh
Cohen: Uh-huh
Trump: You’re a weak person, very weak, tremendously weak. And a liar, what a liar.
Cohen: Wait a second, everyone relax, including the doberman in the corner. Meeting with Russians, even in June, wasn’t a crime.
Mueller: Oh but you lied to Congress about it. And that entitles me to the really really good news. Step over here. You’ll note a wide assortment of thumbscrews, whips, a restraining chair, and a complete set of dental tools. Unfortunately the rack’s out for service. Papadopoulos threw up all over it.
Cohen: What’s behind door number two?
Mueller: You get Borked or Kavanaughed.
Cohen: Door number three?
Mueller: An opportunity for you to provide a few little juicy details about Trump that we’ll provide to you later.
Cohen: Do your thumbscrews come in a size 9?
Annual Award Nominations Due
Nominations are due for the 2018 awards to honor those throughout the year who distinguished themselves in a manner deserving of outward ridicule. The list of our nominees is extensive but not complete.
We’re looking for additional nominees in the categories listed, but would love to learn of other categories that highlight the uniqueness that was 2018. All participants will win some form of Confederacy of Drones swag delivered to their mailbox in discrete packaging. The quality of the swag will be dependent on the quality of the input. It will range from a small rock with Confederacy of Drones hand lettered to something even nicer.
Submit your nominations and suggested award categories to confederacyofdrones@gmail.com.
Without further delay, here are the 2018 award categories and our (incomplete) list of nominees.
- The Disappearing Statesman Award – Paul Ryan
- The I’m Not Too Old for Politics Award – Nancy Pelosi
- The Tact Award – Donald Trump
- The My God This World Seems Upside Down Award – Antifa Movement
- The Comeback of the Year Award – Mitt Romney
- A Lifetime Achievement Award (Sleazy Politics category) – Bill Clinton
- The Confused About The Meaning of the Word Journalist Award – Jim Acosta
- The Remember When Religious Figures were Concerned With Religious Matters – Pope Francis
- The All Republicans Really are Racists Award – Michael Moore
- The Most Likely to get Lost on the DC Subway Award – Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
- The You Could Ruin A Wet Dream Award – Roseann Barr
- The Nero Fiddling Award – Jerry Brown
Festivus celebrated 24/7
Democrats seem to be on a perpetual celebration of Festivus and it’s airing of grievances. The country’s been winning lately but those on the left see only defeat. Kavanaugh, Gorsuch, unemployment, a receding ISIS, North Korea, NAFTA, tax cuts, military, Iran deal, and for the first time in 10 years, your chances of being be-headed has been reduced.
But of course there’s also the bad, such as tweet storms, lying, and Omarosa. At least the media aren’t complicit in the lying. Emboldened journalists everywhere are more than eager to set Trump straight on his most flimsiest lies. “The greatest economy ever?! Ha! What about Dover, Delaware in 1877!? Now that was a great economy!”
It becomes quickly apparent that anything good for the country sets their version of grieving in motion. We bring you the Democrats’ stages of grief. And by “grief” we don’t mean things worthy of grief. We’re talking about circumstances that most everyone else would consider good news. But good news for the country means bad news for the Democrats. We’ll throw in the Presidential Emergency Alert only because many liberals balled themselves up into the fetal position because of the scary noise.
- Shock (that they’d have to tolerate something that doesn’t fit their Utopia)
- Disbelief (that by being shocked the circumstance wasn’t immediately reversed)
- Melt Down (over having to demonstrate independence)
- Tantrum (when their every need isn’t being met by the government)
- Anger (to ensure everyone knows of the outrage)
- Evolution (of lies to counter sane people pointing out their flawed sensibilities)
- Mob (mentality because nothing gets people on your side like destruction)
- Shock (that destruction turned people against you)
- Disbelief (that their stages of grief haven’t worked)
- Melt Down (that they have to think for themselves)
- etc, etc, etc.
We should mention that at any one of these stages, liberals may be forced to make funny hats and silly costumes.
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