Behind the scenes of Mueller’s investigation
In a rare appearance Donald Trump and Michael Cohen gather to hear directly from Mueller about his latest bombshell.
Mueller: I’ve got great news.
Mueller: Oh, not for you. Don’t be silly. It’s just that I’m so giddy over this bombshell that only took two years and millions of dollars to uncover. Let me first say though that this officially puts whipped cream AND a cherry on top of my hard work and coercion!
Trump: That’s great. That’s really terrific. I’ll take two scoops, hold the whipped cream.
Mueller: Mr. Cohen, you sir, claimed the Moscow hotel discussions with Russians ended in January 2016. But … (dramatic pause, dramatic lighting, foreboding music), it actually ended … six months later. Ah ha! Gotcha!
Cohen: OOOOkaaaaay. But I kept Trump informed all along.
Trump: You’re a weak person, very weak, tremendously weak. And a liar, what a liar.
Cohen: Wait a second, everyone relax, including the doberman in the corner. Meeting with Russians, even in June, wasn’t a crime.
Mueller: Oh but you lied to Congress about it. And that entitles me to the really really good news. Step over here. You’ll note a wide assortment of thumbscrews, whips, a restraining chair, and a complete set of dental tools. Unfortunately the rack’s out for service. Papadopoulos threw up all over it.
Cohen: What’s behind door number two?
Mueller: You get Borked or Kavanaughed.
Cohen: Door number three?
Mueller: An opportunity for you to provide a few little juicy details about Trump that we’ll provide to you later.
Cohen: Do your thumbscrews come in a size 9?
Overheard in a Costco:
Cory Booker: I’ll be taking one of those meatball samples.
Employee: Help yourself.
Booker: I’ll be taking it no matter the consequences.
Employee: They’re for everyone. Go right ahead.
Booker: And I’m not paying for it!
Employee: No charge. Really.
Booker: I am Spartacus!!