Lucky for us, our crack staff of investigative reporters managed to catch Bob Mueller in the halls over at the Dirksen building shortly after his hearing today. There were still some unanswered questions.
me: Bob, got a second?
Bob: Huh? mumble, um, er, mumble. Excuse me while I take the marbles out of my mouth and ears.
me: The Steele dossier wasn’t on the table in today’s hearing Why?
Bob: It was a small table.
me: But the dossier led to the FISA warrants which opened the door to FBI agents who wanted to set Trump’s hair on fire and cut off his tie which led to the collusion conspiracy theories which led to the investigation which led to the reason you’re here today.
Bob: That’s totally incorrect! You have that completely backwards! The FBI agents wanted to set Trump’s tie on fire and cut off his hair.
me: But isn’t it concerning that the FBI was used as a political weapon by one campaign to get an advantage over another?
Bob: When Hillary was crowned as the Democrat’s candidate to go against Trump the only weapon they had available was her charm, good looks and stamina. It was just a case of leveling the playing field.
me: Well thanks. What’s next.
Bob: We’re all off to Nadler’s place. He promised to show us his stomach reduction scar.
Clear bias on the part of the FBI while investigating Clinton and then Trump is spelled out in the Horowitz report … but the report concludes that no documented evidence of bias could be linked directly to decisions made during the investigation. Is it the legal system or the DC system that struggles with the obvious. No rational person could read the text messages between named and unnamed FBI personnel and think that bias isn’t in play. I guess the emphasis is on the word “documented.” It would have been interesting if the conclusion stated that
Although no documented bias was identified, they certainly loved Hillary and hated Trump and had the power, either subtly or overtly, to swing both investigations in the precise directions they eventually turned. What the $#%& was the FBI thinking?
So Mueller’s process for determining who should have high ranking authority in both investigations certainly must have been interesting.
Mueller: Team, I’ll need to select individuals to head up investigations that will have far reaching impacts on this country. A country, by the way, that many people actually love.
Strzok: Sir, I believe I can provide integrity in any investigation whether it involves Queen Hillary (Strzok bows deeply) or that vile Trump (Strzok appears to come close to vomiting but instead makes a hacking noise like a cat dislodging a hairball).
Mueller: That’s the kind of commitment I like to see. Let me ask you a question though. If Trump was on fire, would you pour gasoline or jet fuel on him?
Strzok: Sir, I believe that’s a trick question. I would have poured gasoline on him before lighting him on fire.
Mueller: Committed and intelligent, I like it! You’re hired. And remember, when you see Hillary, no eye contact. We don’t want to do anything that would appear disrespectful to our next president.
A year and a half into Trump’s presidency and Hillary is no closer to reaching that last step in the grieving process. In fact, she appears to have added steps such as mania, rage, conspiracy jitters, boxed wine comfort, what-I’d-do-if-I-was-president input, continuous what-if’ing campaign strategy, and burning cheese head hats to punish Wisconsin voters. We’re doubtful that the last step in the human grieving process, acceptance, will be possible.
In the mean time, the crushing defeat is worn like a 300 lb chip on her shoulder … in the shape of Trump.