Humor
Alternative movie projects for Will Ferrell
Now that Will Ferrell has given up on his movie project featuring the hilarious high-jinks of Ronald Reagan during the Alzheimer’s years, we thought we’d offer up a few alternatives that will surely lead to thigh slapping and uncontrollable floor rolling.
- Follow Ghandi as his efforts to start the Eastern Chapter of Weight Watchers get uproariously mistaken for a political statement due to his all too effective diet.
- Little known correspondence between Hitler and FDR is revealed in this brilliant comedy as the Fuhrer promises Roosevelt free spa treatment for his legs including invigorating showers and deep-heating therapy.
- Return to JFK’s early life before Camelot as he works part-time selling convertibles. “Your mind will be blown at how well anyone can scope you out as you cruise for attention” says Kennedy during one of many laugh-out-loud moments.
- The last few months of Steve Jobs life are chronicled in this bio pic, rom-com as the entrepreneur searches for a cancer cure. Hilarity ensues when he’s convinced that the proper treatment is peanut butter enemas.”
- Prepare to bust a gut as you watch the unsuspecting Stephen Hawking get his wheelchair hacked by two teenagers from Deerfield, Kansas. Then follow the antics as these scamps control everything the brilliant scientists says and does. The comedy gets even sharper as a cult-like following of the theoretical physicist develops.
If those won’t work for Mr. Ferrell – even though we’ve practically provided concise plot lines with only a few blanks left to fill in – here are other well know people along with traits he may be able to mine for comedic gold.
Springsteen sings the bathroom choice blues
Sung to the tune of Born in the USA
Got in a bathroom jam.
Cancelled out on Greensboro, man.
North Carolina’s like a foreign land.
Said, “you gotta pee in the proper can.”
Need the girls room to do my business in.
Want to have my own GYN.
Doc doesn’t realize that I am The Boss.
All he says is “turn your head and cough.”
Gettin’ attention in the media.
The rest of you have a phobia.
Gotta love that CNN.
Said “go ahead, change your name to Gwen.“
Born in the USA, with the wrong gen-ital–ia.
Can stand up to piss and all they say is “duh.“
I’m willin’ to be born different from men.
Willin’ to be born, ‘cept born again.
Born in the USA, with the wrong gen-ital–ia.
I have wrong gen-ital–ia, wrong gen-ital–ia.
How do you like them apples?
I’m a wanna-be apple farmer (photo below). If I ever get a crop…here are the possible effects on me based on the outcome of the election.
Too big to squish
If the Republican party ever wanted to implement their own kind of honor killing it may be now. That is, taking out a member of the family for bringing shame or dishonor upon the household. Many even outside of the GOP establishment consider what he’s doing an embarrassment. Spewing foul language, talking down to opponents, and belittling those who disagree; all part of his collective poke in the eye to the PC culture. Refreshing in some respects, but only if it’s from a reality TV show moderator. Conduct that’s particularly far from presidential behavior.
Of course, he actually is the host of the latest reality TV craze that’s playing out daily in front of live audiences everywhere, it’s called Groveling for Vice Presidency.
Gun ban list, any list will do
All of the buzz about the no-fly list, yet it’s still unclear how someone gets on and off that list. Seems about as reasonable as using Santa’s.
An unexpected Trump fan.
Hillary and her minions must be quietly praising Trump for storming into the picture and turning the Republican establishment on itself. As long as he continues to stay in this race, and it certainly looks like he has staying power, the more the focus leaves her and bores in on the GOP divide.
At the end of a Presidential election, voters often consider it a choice of the lesser of two evils. That’s likely due to the continued negative campaigning to the point where each of the candidates have been torn down in the eyes of the voters. The GOP candidates are doing just that for the primary! By the time they get to the general election the victor will be scared, beaten, burned, and basted leaving Hillary to sweep in unscathed. Please quit giving her a reason to cackle.
Chipotle, black beans, hold the e coli
The GMO-conscious Chipotle restaurants have been recently linked to an outbreak of e coli bacteria infections in as many as 52 people in 9 states across the country as of Friday, 12/4/15. Perhaps the restaurant chain should spend more time working on pathogen avoidance which we know are deadly, instead of GMO’s which have shown no proven harmful effects. Even with the admitted lack of effects, the FDA already regulates food derived through biotechnology such as GMO’s. Personally, we’d rather have e coli-free burritos. You can keep your GMO hysteria.
Better decision making through coin flips
This President has a unique track record. He says ISIS isn’t a threat, then on that very day they attack Paris. Next he mocks Republicans by saying they’re afraid of women and orphans, then a deadly terrorist attack in California involving a woman.
We really shouldn’t think of orphans as a problem, but now we’re not so sure.
Never a tragedy wasted
In response to the deaths San Bernardino, there was a noticeable difference in how those running for the office of President responded through Twitter.
“My thoughts and prayers are with the shooting victims and their families in San Bernardino.” Ben Carson
California shooting looks very bad. Good luck to law enforcement and God bless. This is when our police are so appreciated?” Donald Trump
“Praying for the victims, their families & the San Bernardino first responders in the wake of this tragic shooting”. Jeb Bush
“My thoughts and prayers go out to those impacted by the shooting in San Bernardino, especially the first responders.” John Kasich
“Horrifying news out of #San Bernadino. Enough is enough: it’s time to stand up to the @NRA and enact meaningful gun safety laws.” Martin O’Malley
“I refuse to accept this as normal. We must take action to stop gun violence now.” Hillary Clinton
“Mass shootings are becoming an almost-everyday occurre3nce in this country. This sickening and senseless gun violence must stop.” Bernie Sanders
So in summary, if you’re a Republican candidate you offer condolences, concerns for those suffering and encouragement to law enforcement. If your a Democrat candidate you’re looking for what’s in it for yourself as a vote getting tool.
If the Democrats want to do something about gun violence there are plenty of places to start but empty rhetoric only says “look at me, I’m pounding my fist to show I care.” Since their bold statements imply that they know exactly the reason behind this tragedy then we’re all anxious to hear what brilliant piece of legislation would have prevented this horrible act in California, a state that already has some of the toughest gun regulations in the country. But maybe like climate change, talking about it is enough to stem the tide of all evils.
What if one-sixth of the population was discarded?
Here’s a sobering thought. Take one-sixth of the population and simply discard them. Horrifying, isn’t it? We’re doing that to those who have the potential to be part of the next generation. Here are some scary facts:
• For every 1000 live births in the United States, 210 abortions occur.
• One million souls each year perish due to abortion as a way to end an unwanted pregnancy.
• Half of all pregnancies in this country are unwanted.
Obama was certainly not talking about the ghastly rate of abortions when he said “Enough is Enough.” We only wish he was a fraction as concerned over the loss of life as shown by these statistics as he was over the abortion clinic shooting and subsequent tragic loss of life. Certainly we don’t condone violence as a way of protesting abortion. The monster who shot up the clinic must pay for his hideous crimes. We do, however, want to ensure that the cost, gravity and frequency of abortions are more thoroughly understood. Then maybe others will also think, “enough is enough.”
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Confederacy of Drones 