Democrat
Before you play, know the rules
In politics, as in sports, it’s important to know the rules if you want to be successful. The angst felt by Hillary fans is currently sky high as they watch Donald Trump prepare to take the oath of office. What makes this doubly painful for them is that their candidate “won” … well, even though she didn’t. Perhaps if Hillary knew how the Electoral College worked she would have stepped at least one foot in Wisconsin.
Here are a few other surprise moments in politics, sports and life that may have caused the uninitiated to question how things could have turned so poorly despite their best efforts.
- Basketball – losing even though you made more baskets but forgot that free throws count only one point
- TV ratings – ending up at the bottom even though your programming is geared toward left handed transgenders under the age of 25
- Blocking traffic – getting run over even though you felt empowered
- Cyber Security – getting hacked by Russian spies even though you gave them a reset button
- Cyber Security II – giving your password to Russian spies even if your name is John Podesta and you were entrusted with managing a presidential campaign
- Presidency – having your scandals pointed out even though you declared your presidency scandal-free
- Chess – losing even though you have more pieces
- Overseas Contingency Operations – being labeled a war monger even though you proudly wear your Nobel Peace Prize medallion
Final acts by Obama to secure his legacy
Obama’s been quite busy during the last few weeks of his presidency in an attempt to have a legacy when he leaves office. In that spirit, we thought we’d predict a few possible last minute actions this administration might take.
- Declare Stephen Hawking the JV team of theoretical physics.
- Pardon the rap music industry – past, present, and future – for the misogynist, racist, anti-zionist rage they spew.
- Pardon Hillary for all past criminal activity and up to seven future murders.
- In response to Israel now ignoring the earlier UN resolution, convince the UN to pass the much stricter “I Know You Are But What Am I” resolution immediately followed by the “Finger Wag of Disapproval” declaration.
- Burn the Lincoln Room furnishings before the Mongol hord invades.
- Declare 1/20/17 as national “Lost Hope” Day.
- Make Facebook the official news agency of the US and establish MSNBC as sanctioned fact checker.
- Replace US History textbooks in middle and high school with binders of meme’s.
- Declare Jimmy Spencer’s backyard sandbox in Wheaton, Kansas, as protected land complete with digging restrictions.
- Fire FBI Director James Comey and replace him with Hillary Clinton.
- Require unemployment figures to slowly transition over the next four years to include those people who have given up on employment.
- Give Hillary the Resolute Desk to prevent Trump from propping his feet up on it. Besides, anyone who would want the presidency so bad that they’d lie, cheat, and corrupt so many is the definition of “resolute.”
- Issue an Executive Order requiring Christians to stitch a cross onto their clothing so that liberals know who should get a Merry Christmas greeting.
- Establish safe spaces for entertainers who’re traumatized by the possibility of performing for conservatives. Bouncers will be checking for crosses stitched on clothing.
- Replace all of the Czars in the White House with the guy who made the Russian “reset” button.
- Set up an oversight group led by the Congressional Black Caucus to approve all future Beer Summits.
- Eliminate “No Child Left Behind” and re-purpose the slogan for Planned Parenthood.
- Issue an Executive Order to require any new fences built in the US to be no higher than 10 feet.
- Immediately commission an aid package to Mexico that includes 12 million 11-foot ladders.
- Rename HUD headquarters The Fidel Castro Memorial Center.
- With the success of casual Fridays, institute “Narcissist Mondays” – but only Obama is allowed to participate. “It goes so well with our ‘Narcissist Tuesdays through Sundays’ program” said the President.
- Follow that with “No-Criticism-of-Former-Presidents-with-the-Initials-BO Tuesdays.”
- Require all bakeries to maintain Bride of Satan cakes. Inventory of virgin organs not required.
Your Turn: Drone’s Groans
A famous poet once said, “Step right up and win some crap.” We may be paraphrasing… or maybe it wasn’t a poet. Anyway, give us your thoughts and we’ll send you some crap.
Posted below are our tongue-in-cheek new year’s resolution suggestions for a few well known personalities. We’re now wondering who we missed and what their resolutions are are or should be. We’d love to hear your suggestions. Consider politicians, entertainers, eating contest champions, or those few who, justly or not, received their 15 minutes of fame in 2016. Everyone who submits gets a chicken scratching otherwise known as an original sketch, mailed directly to you. That’s right, art, guaranteed to be worth $0.47 … if the postage stamp wasn’t cancelled.
We left a lot of people off our list who are in dire need of some timely resolutions: James Comey, Anthony Weiner, Matt Stonie (moon pie eating champion), Beyonce, Brad Pitt or anyone in the Trump brood.
You can provide your thoughts directly in the comments section of the blog. Or just email your suggested resolutions to us at confederacyofdrones@gmail.com.
Remember, humor counts – assuming anyone has a sense of humor left. We’ll collect suggestions until New Year’s Eve and then compile the best of the bunch.
With malice toward none and charity…FOR US
Here are the Confederacy of Drones 2017 New Year’s Resolutions.
Liberals reap the low standards they sow
Shortly before the election, we thought Trump’s crotch grabbing talk would doom him in the Presidential election. Immediately following the revelation that he talked nasty 11 years ago we provided you with our take on how this might impact his chances to woo the nation. Come on, our country has standards, right?
Well apparently liberal entertainers have taken our standards to a low enough level to help us cope with crass conversation. There’s been enough crotch grabbing in concerts, on red carpets and on television to desensitize us to that type of bad behavior. Looks like merely talking about crotch grabbing over a decade ago wasn’t enough to overcome the Democrats’ pitiful excuse for a candidate.
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