Politics

The Democrats need professional help to kick this habit

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Smells like low tide… or is Congress in sesson?

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Escalation of government freebies

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Undercover operatives attempting to make journalism fashionable again snuck into a stoic Long Island party over the weekend at the posh Mill Neck Manor. Attendees included Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders, who each hold prestigious leadership roles within the clique.

What the journalists discovered was a shameful display of greed, arrogance, snobbery, and socialism. The group of party-goers, known by the collective name, GASS (apparently standing for greed, arrogance, snobbery, and socialism) were busy readying themselves for a night of debauchery including:

  • Word games where the participants must respell names of American cities using the Cyrillic alphabet,
  • Carving competition to see who could make their 15-pound spool of beef and lamb look like Che Guevara, and
  • A competition requiring participants to make convincing arguments as to why their experience at community organizing qualified as a “job”.

Also on the agenda was a team-building exercise where a completed jigsaw puzzle of the US Constitution was disassembled.

The most shocking event of the night was a game called Sacrifice for Socialism.

The current GASS potentate, Raul Castro, reminded the group of the two teams within the GASS membership: Team Feel-the-Bern led by Sanders and Team Pregnant Pocahontas with Warren as the leader, or as she preferred, the “chief”. Castro then quickly briefed Nicholas Madura, the group’s newest member, on the rules. 

The object of Sacrifice for Socialism is for each team to identify increasingly socialistic policies.   Sanders and Warren then float those policies publicly during the 2020 presidential primary campaign.

As the game progresses, teams increase the government freebies until one of the candidates drops below 1% in polling.

The other team is the winner and receives a cash prize of exactly one dollar.  Over nearly two years of playing, a winner has yet to be crowned.

Maduro noted that the game sounded very much like the by-laws for his Vice Ministry of Supreme Happiness. 

Which, surprisingly, is a thing.

All attendees commented on how they had no idea the game would have this kind of longevity, and as a surprising bonus, poll numbers for both candidates continue to rise.  In response, GASS members will consider a motion at next month’s meeting to change the game’s name to Suckers for Socialism.

In a sarcastic move, the clique unanimously voted to rename the clique, the Lincoln Club.  It turns out that you CAN actually fool all of the people all of the time.

Outbreak of spontaneous nose growth

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In the era of Adam Schiff as a political party leader, frequent spontaneous nose growth is occurring anytime a microphone and a Democrat are in the same room.  Staff physicians, thus far, have identified no cause for the protrusive nose outbreak.  Their wood-like density and occasional leafy offshoots are even more baffling.

Meanwhile, explosive nose growths on Capitol Hill have resulted in the loss of 17 eyes, 87 cracked press camera lenses and a broken windshield.

At a recent Democrat press conference, now commonly referred to as a Trump re-election event, Nancy Pelosi discussed Schiff’s leadership role in the upcoming impeachment inquiry.

She noted her complete confidence in his abilities.  Apparently, this confidence was limited to his ability to discuss Trump’s atrocities in as much clarity as Stephen Hawking’s explaining the infield fly rule… in Mandarin Chinese… translated to pig Latin.

Pelosi then turned the discussion over to Schiff who proceeded to put the nose extension phenomenon on full display.  With a grimaced face, he explained how it pained him to be critical of the President, but was duty-bound to protect the Constitution.

After Congressional staffers removed the injured and broken cameras from the area, Schiff continued his remarks from behind two feet of leaded glass.

Jerry Nadler offered up some words of advice for the journalists who were eager to do hard-hitting, investigative reporting. He then broke out in uncontrollable laughter since actual journalists are now extinct. Plus, reporters work from home reviewing daily DNC talking points and surfing social media.

Schiff concluded the briefing with information on exciting new nose control research that so far has shown some positive results.  Researchers developed an experimental ointment costing $1.2 billion, funded by the Congressional Litigation Defense Fund.   When Schiff used it without effect, he was counseled on its proper application as a topical cream.

Schiff did report, though, that his chin has almost completely disappeared.