Nominations are due for the 2018 awards to honor those throughout the year who distinguished themselves in a manner deserving of outward ridicule. The list of our nominees is extensive but not complete.
We’re looking for additional nominees in the categories listed, but would love to learn of other categories that highlight the uniqueness that was 2018. All participants will win some form of Confederacy of Drones swag delivered to their mailbox in discrete packaging. The quality of the swag will be dependent on the quality of the input. It will range from a small rock with Confederacy of Drones hand lettered to something even nicer.
Submit your nominations and suggested award categories to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Without further delay, here are the 2018 award categories and our (incomplete) list of nominees.
- The Disappearing Statesman Award – Paul Ryan
- The I’m Not Too Old for Politics Award – Nancy Pelosi
- The Tact Award – Donald Trump
- The My God This World Seems Upside Down Award – Antifa Movement
- The Comeback of the Year Award – Mitt Romney
- A Lifetime Achievement Award (Sleazy Politics category) – Bill Clinton
- The Confused About The Meaning of the Word Journalist Award – Jim Acosta
- The Remember When Religious Figures were Concerned With Religious Matters – Pope Francis
- The All Republicans Really are Racists Award – Michael Moore
- The Most Likely to get Lost on the DC Subway Award – Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
- The You Could Ruin A Wet Dream Award – Roseann Barr
- The Nero Fiddling Award – Jerry Brown
Democrats seem to be on a perpetual celebration of Festivus and it’s airing of grievances. The country’s been winning lately but those on the left see only defeat. Kavanaugh, Gorsuch, unemployment, a receding ISIS, North Korea, NAFTA, tax cuts, military, Iran deal, and for the first time in 10 years, your chances of being be-headed has been reduced.
But of course there’s also the bad, such as tweet storms, lying, and Omarosa. At least the media aren’t complicit in the lying. Emboldened journalists everywhere are more than eager to set Trump straight on his most flimsiest lies. “The greatest economy ever?! Ha! What about Dover, Delaware in 1877!? Now that was a great economy!”
It becomes quickly apparent that anything good for the country sets their version of grieving in motion. We bring you the Democrats’ stages of grief. And by “grief” we don’t mean things worthy of grief. We’re talking about circumstances that most everyone else would consider good news. But good news for the country means bad news for the Democrats. We’ll throw in the Presidential Emergency Alert only because many liberals balled themselves up into the fetal position because of the scary noise.
- Shock (that they’d have to tolerate something that doesn’t fit their Utopia)
- Disbelief (that by being shocked the circumstance wasn’t immediately reversed)
- Melt Down (over having to demonstrate independence)
- Tantrum (when their every need isn’t being met by the government)
- Anger (to ensure everyone knows of the outrage)
- Evolution (of lies to counter sane people pointing out their flawed sensibilities)
- Mob (mentality because nothing gets people on your side like destruction)
- Shock (that destruction turned people against you)
- Disbelief (that their stages of grief haven’t worked)
- Melt Down (that they have to think for themselves)
- etc, etc, etc.
We should mention that at any one of these stages, liberals may be forced to make funny hats and silly costumes.
The goal post has been doing a lot of roaming lately. Almost as much as the attempted moves by the Democrats when Trump sent Hillary packing. “Oh, sure he won the electoral votes needed, but not the popular vote, the left-handed vote, and the number of voters who voted in the middle of the day vote.”
Here’s a quick run-down of the how the recent accusations have evolved.
We’re keeping our fingers crossed that he’s never ripped a tag off a mattress.
After a couple of weeks of Kavanaugh hearings, we’ve checked into a political detox center and are now being forced to watch more wholesome programming like A Clockwork Orange.
One thing we’ve concluded is that politicians must not travel the same educational path as the rest of use. We don’t recall ever seeing the classes listed below:
- Languages (or at least the one that uses the most words without saying anything)
- quid pro quo (and other Latin phrases that you don’t think the public understands)
- Advanced Shredder Operations
- Progressive Studies on Hypocrisy
- Hypocrisy Work-Study Program
- Leading-edge Hypocrisy for the Liberal Arts Student
- Selling to the Unwashed Masses
- Feigned Sanctimoniousness
- Unctuous Duplicity as a Dramatic Art
- Biology of Teeth Whitening
- Combating Bourgeois Arrogance
- Fighting Humility with Audacity
- Owning a $4 million house on a $100k salary
- Turning Charisma into a Theology