Bernie Sanders, in desperation to secure the Democrat nomination for President, is busy making deals. Late last Friday, Sanders, and members of the Lake Champlain Bernie Bro chapter gathered at one of Sander’s homes for a disturbing ritual.
The horrific event, intended to facilitate a bargain with the Angel of Darkness, was gruesome. It was even more disturbing than bladder-buster night at Loose Interns Bar and Grill.
In preparation for the evening’s call to Lucifer, Sanders attended the Frothington Hill Women’s Democrat Club during their semi-annual Trashing-of-Melania barbeque and cakewalk. With the offer of an endless buffet, Sanders successfully coaxed ladies to participate in a virgin sacrifice, including test runs.
False idols made of gold and old white men
To adorn Sanders’ ceremonial altar, Bernie Bros created a golden donkey statue, formed from melting down two of the candidate’s toilet seats. Sanders added a Che Guevara flag as a backdrop which, as noted by the surviving test-run virgins, brought out the socialist red in Bernie’s eyes.
At last, all was ready.
If enthusiasm, optimism, and energy were the measure of success, the night would have been triumphant. Alas, the King of Hell was a no show. During the After-Action Review, Sanders questioned the authenticity of the rite.
Especially when it became clear that the attendees were unfamiliar with the meaning of the words “woman” and “virgin.”
Sanders’ nomination hopes now need even bolder measures taken.
Bernie Bros couldn’t contact Santa Claus for another eight months. Oprah was busy readying Michelle Obama for a late run at the nomination. Leprechauns never left Dublin this year. And Independence Day had nothing to offer except for something called patriotism. Which is useless during a Democrat nominating process.
The last hope was the Easter Bunny. Bernie Bro chapters coast-to-coast conducted an exhaustive search and finally, the famed rabbit was found. The resulting meeting cemented a deal that satisfied both parties. In return for the rabbit securing the required number of delegates, Sanders provided him with the golden donkey and two of the spared virgins.
On Easter morning, however, Joe Biden continued to hold a commanding lead in delegates. In a surprise to Sanders, it turned out that Biden’s “Easter Bunny” was just an inebriated guy they found on Bourbon Street wearing a rabbit costume.