Humor
Hillary to remain silent
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In light of her recent difficulties with factual statements, Hillary Clinton has offered up a unique debate format that’s sure to please her Democrat supporters. The Clinton camp has suggested that Hillary remain silent during the first Presidential debate between her and Donald Trump.
Appearing on this past Sun-day’s Face The Nation, a lower level operative in the Clinton campaign confirmed that the Democrat Presidential nominee has opted for the silent treatment. This was quickly applauded by the media. George Stephanopoulos noted that the approach allows for more hon-est-appearing news coverage. At a recent Clinton’s Righteously Inspired Media Elation (CRIME) rally the “Fourth Estate” unanimously applauded the bold move, with many noting that it was much easier to interpret an eye roll rather than an ambiguous statement like “I didn’t have classified material on my home server.”
“We’re much better at interpreting the vast intricacies of body language than we are at interpreting what’s meant through verbal communications”, stated Stephanopoulos following his shift as CRIME turd polisher.
This would appear to be a win-win strategy given the propensity of her opponent for being his own worst enemy. Inspired by the news, Trump immediately held a press conference and stated, “Bulieve me, it’’ll be great, it’ll be fantastic and I know about being fantastic. By the way, you’re welcome. It’s not everyone that can get Crooked Hillary to shut up.”
Confederacy of Drones received an exclusive preview of the debate format guidelines. Although Clinton will not actually speak, this table provides guidance on noises and body language allowed.
Clear political positions are established
Just exactly where are we going. Only time will tell. Consider the poem by Arthur Guiterman.
“On the Vanity of Earthly Greatness
The tusks which clashed in mighty brawls
Of mastodons, are billiard balls.
The sword of Charlemagne the Just
Is Ferric Oxide, known as rust.
The grizzly bear, whose potent hug,
Was feared by all, is now a rug.
Great Caesar’s bust is on the shelf,
And I don’t feel so well myself.”
― Arthur Guiterman
To put this in a more short term perspective, we offer:
“You feel as though we’re likely doomed,
because a showdown shortly looms.
Your cheer, though, follows your bodily health,
but I’m not feeling so well myself.”
– Confederacy of Drones
Kids and this new foolishness they call playing outdoors.
It’s hard to imagine that it took a video game to get kids back outdoors, as well as a few millennials. While outdoors, we’re hoping they can keep a keen eye out for a few things that haven’t been seen in a very long time:
- Trump’s humility
- Hillary’s emails
- Reverence to elders
- Truth out of Hillary’s mouth
- Trump’s dignity
- Dryer-consumed socks
- Honest media
- An attention span
- Respect for law enforcement
- Obama’s foreign policy
- Term limits for congress
- A third party with a chance
- Working turn signals
- Gentleman behavior
- Road politeness
- Thick skin
Good luck kids. Just stay off my lawn.
Hillary’s Emails FOUND!
Following endless searches by the best IT professionals that the Confederacy of Drones could find, the lost trove of emails, thought long ago wiped by Hillary Clinton, have emerged. The exclusive content is right here. Enjoy
From: Hillary@foiledFOIA.com
To: Big$Pack@sold!.com
RE: IT Services Request
Dear BP,
Again, we have no interest in giving referrals for IT folks!
Don’t contact again.
Hill
From: Hillary@foiledFOIA.com
To: cstevens@state.dept.gov
Draperies?
Got your request for embassy security upgrades. Thinking white drapes with a few nice splashes of pink. It’s a very calming color.
Luv,
Hill
From: Hillary@foiledFOIA.com
To: FeelTheBern.finally@bern
Election Chances
Dear Schmuck,
At this point, what difference does it make?
Hill
From: Hillary@foiledFOIA.com
To: NCLegislature@NC.com
Bathroom Choices
Dear Sirs,
It’s was a PANTSUIT!
Hill
From: Hillary@foiledFOIA.com
To: LISTSERV.WallStreet@gmail.com
Thanks Millions
If you thought Barry was going to flexible with Vlad, you haven’t seen anything yet. Hang in there with me until after the election and I’ll show you Cirque du Soleil meets the Mustang Ranch flexible.
Luv to all my WS buds.
XOXO,
Hill
From: Hillary@foiledFOIA.com
To: sultan@oman.org
RE: Clinton Foundation Receipts
My dearest Sultan,
Thanks for the donation of $3,000,000 for the Clinton Foundation. I was a little surprised that there was postage due though. Please remit an additional 0.27 cents in the form of check or money order. Political favors don’t grow on trees, you know.
With deepest bow,
Hill
From: Hillary@foiledFOIA.com
To: princebajuel@nigeria.palace.com
RE: Nigerian Request for Urgent Business Relationship
Dear Prince Bajuel:
You’re email was an unexpected surprise. Yes, I would very much be interested in handling Nigerian money that you are having difficulty moving from your country, for a fee as you suggested. And yes, I have ways of keeping this confidential.
Please send information as soon as possible.
Yours,
Hill
From: Hillary@foiledFOIA.com
To: EntitledBrats@scared.com
My Dearest EBrats,
Give me a little room then afterwards we can hit the reset. Safe spaces and microagression enforcement will BE the Hillary presidency.
Here to coddle,
Grandma Hill
Learn to love the bomb
Like Slim Pickens in “Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb” the Republicans might as well hold on, enjoy the ride and act excited about what their doing.
Pandering, er, I mean tours.
Now that the presumptive presidential nominee for the Democrats knows who’s she’ll be running against, she’s going “touring” again. First “listening” and now “breaking down barriers.” We thought we’d offer up a few tours that will likely be high on Hillary’s list of tour topics.
Kill Coal Industry Tour (unless I’m in West Virginia then Go Mountaineers Tour)
Make America Average Again Tour
My God, Can’t We Keep the Bimbos From Bill Tour
Bernie is Such a Pussy Tour
Watch Me Finish Bernie Off Like Roman Gladiator Against a Peasant Tour
Never Poor Again Tour
Hurry To The White House Before the Ghosts of Politics Past Come Back to Haunt Me Tour
Where’s MY “Tingle-up-the-leg” Moment? Tour
Can’t Blame You Bill, I’d Do Her Too Tour
The Frank Underwood’s An Amatuer Tour
Inappropriate Cackling Tour
Pantsuit on Fire Tour
Opaque Transparency Tour
Transparent Opaque Tour
Dammit Just Coronate Me Already Tour
Never mind, she’s already rolling along on all of these tours at once. Let’s just call it the Tour Tour.
Confederacy of Drones 