Health

Escalation of government freebies

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Undercover operatives attempting to make journalism fashionable again snuck into a stoic Long Island party over the weekend at the posh Mill Neck Manor. Attendees included Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders, who each hold prestigious leadership roles within the clique.

What the journalists discovered was a shameful display of greed, arrogance, snobbery, and socialism. The group of party-goers, known by the collective name, GASS (apparently standing for greed, arrogance, snobbery, and socialism) were busy readying themselves for a night of debauchery including:

  • Word games where the participants must respell names of American cities using the Cyrillic alphabet,
  • Carving competition to see who could make their 15-pound spool of beef and lamb look like Che Guevara, and
  • A competition requiring participants to make convincing arguments as to why their experience at community organizing qualified as a “job”.

Also on the agenda was a team-building exercise where a completed jigsaw puzzle of the US Constitution was disassembled.

The most shocking event of the night was a game called Sacrifice for Socialism.

The current GASS potentate, Raul Castro, reminded the group of the two teams within the GASS membership: Team Feel-the-Bern led by Sanders and Team Pregnant Pocahontas with Warren as the leader, or as she preferred, the “chief”. Castro then quickly briefed Nicholas Madura, the group’s newest member, on the rules. 

The object of Sacrifice for Socialism is for each team to identify increasingly socialistic policies.   Sanders and Warren then float those policies publicly during the 2020 presidential primary campaign.

As the game progresses, teams increase the government freebies until one of the candidates drops below 1% in polling.

The other team is the winner and receives a cash prize of exactly one dollar.  Over nearly two years of playing, a winner has yet to be crowned.

Maduro noted that the game sounded very much like the by-laws for his Vice Ministry of Supreme Happiness. 

Which, surprisingly, is a thing.

All attendees commented on how they had no idea the game would have this kind of longevity, and as a surprising bonus, poll numbers for both candidates continue to rise.  In response, GASS members will consider a motion at next month’s meeting to change the game’s name to Suckers for Socialism.

In a sarcastic move, the clique unanimously voted to rename the clique, the Lincoln Club.  It turns out that you CAN actually fool all of the people all of the time.

Joe goes all in on recycling

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goodwyn Recycling vlr 7-16-19

 

We’re not sure it’s necessarily a winning strategy, but there stands good ol’ Joe at the betting window putting everything on the Obama legacy.

It might be a feel-good thing to do.   He did spent eight years being Obama’s biggest cheerleader, taking only momentary breaks to nuzzle necks and hair.  But recycling anything that remotely sounds like the Obama-ism “if you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor” such as if you like your health care plan you can keep it seems like a campaign strategy closer to nuzzling nuclear waste than to winning.

At least he didn’t say “I’m from the government and I’m here to help.”  

 

Chipotle at it again

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ecoli-burritoIt looks as though Chipotle is allowing us to recycle the old cartoon above.  They’re back in the news again with more tainted burritos.  To deal with this problem once and for all, we suggest a name change.  Get the ecoli out of Chipotle.  The name would then become hptOr as we’d call it, High Protein Toxins.

A nasty bug

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Flu lr

Obamacare Surprises

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Many years ago Nancy Pelosi bravely said, “We have to pass the bill to know what’s in it.” Well apparently you also have to read the Affordable Care Act after passing.

Figuring that no one had actually unraveled it, we decided to take our best shot.  Fourteen and half hours later you could barely tell we’d made any progress on a publication so large that it has its own gravitational field.  In a dramatic stroke of brilliance and keen journalistic instinct, or perhaps outright laziness, we decided to start from the back figuring that most gave up long before reaching even Section AK.I.v.456.k.87.ii to know what was in that deeply hidden territory.

What we found, buried so far down that twice we got the bends after pulling ourselves from its depths, is provided here.

Surprises1 lr

  • Hospital stays exceeding two days require patient-provided bedpans and light bulbs.
  • Co-pays are now tracked by as a Wall Street investment index.
  • Supersized meals require a pre-order cholesterol screening.
  • Half off Abortion-Tuesdays at Family Dollar stores everywhere.
  • The term “deductibles” is omitted from the medical lexicon in favor of “insurer’s fair share.”
  • Malpractice lawsuits shall be known as “pulling the ‘ol Okey-Dokey.”
  • A sympathetic nod is an authorized cancer treatment.
  • Preventive care brain biopsies required for those over 50 and exclusively performed by the New Guinea Papua tribe.
  • A 20% tip automatically added to prescription drug purchases.
  • All students with a Roman numeral suffix (i.e., III, IV, etc.) are authorized to skip their second year of medical school.
  • School lunch programs shall include Soylent Green Fridays.
  • All US citizens are equal; however, members of Congress are more equal than you.
  • “Physicians” are now called “care administrators”
  • Emergency appendectomies are outsourced to Cuba.
  • The Big Gulp is replaced by the Rationed Sip.
  • Free returns for all patients not satisfied with their amputations.
  • Emergency room wait times limited to 2 hours.  If less than 2 hours, patients will write repeatedly, “health care is a right” until the 2 hours is reached, then you may see the care administrator.
  • Illness is unauthorized on the last day of each month.
  • A juggling competition will determine the order patients are seen by care administrators.
  • Care administrators are determined by a spin of the regional Wheel O’ Doctors
  • Government run meal planning is managed by the Internal Revenue Service.

Apparently Obama knew it wouldn’t be read in its entirety for there, on the second to last page, he’d inserted the nuclear launch codes.