Elizabeth Warren

Escalation of government freebies

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Undercover operatives attempting to make journalism fashionable again snuck into a stoic Long Island party over the weekend at the posh Mill Neck Manor. Attendees included Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders, who each hold prestigious leadership roles within the clique.

What the journalists discovered was a shameful display of greed, arrogance, snobbery, and socialism. The group of party-goers, known by the collective name, GASS (apparently standing for greed, arrogance, snobbery, and socialism) were busy readying themselves for a night of debauchery including:

  • Word games where the participants must respell names of American cities using the Cyrillic alphabet,
  • Carving competition to see who could make their 15-pound spool of beef and lamb look like Che Guevara, and
  • A competition requiring participants to make convincing arguments as to why their experience at community organizing qualified as a “job”.

Also on the agenda was a team-building exercise where a completed jigsaw puzzle of the US Constitution was disassembled.

The most shocking event of the night was a game called Sacrifice for Socialism.

The current GASS potentate, Raul Castro, reminded the group of the two teams within the GASS membership: Team Feel-the-Bern led by Sanders and Team Pregnant Pocahontas with Warren as the leader, or as she preferred, the “chief”. Castro then quickly briefed Nicholas Madura, the group’s newest member, on the rules. 

The object of Sacrifice for Socialism is for each team to identify increasingly socialistic policies.   Sanders and Warren then float those policies publicly during the 2020 presidential primary campaign.

As the game progresses, teams increase the government freebies until one of the candidates drops below 1% in polling.

The other team is the winner and receives a cash prize of exactly one dollar.  Over nearly two years of playing, a winner has yet to be crowned.

Maduro noted that the game sounded very much like the by-laws for his Vice Ministry of Supreme Happiness. 

Which, surprisingly, is a thing.

All attendees commented on how they had no idea the game would have this kind of longevity, and as a surprising bonus, poll numbers for both candidates continue to rise.  In response, GASS members will consider a motion at next month’s meeting to change the game’s name to Suckers for Socialism.

In a sarcastic move, the clique unanimously voted to rename the clique, the Lincoln Club.  It turns out that you CAN actually fool all of the people all of the time.