In the era of Adam Schiff as a political party leader, frequent spontaneous nose growth is occurring anytime a microphone and a Democrat are in the same room. Staff physicians, thus far, have identified no cause for the protrusive nose outbreak. Their wood-like density and occasional leafy offshoots are even more baffling.
Meanwhile, explosive nose growths on Capitol Hill have resulted in the loss of 17 eyes, 87 cracked press camera lenses and a broken windshield.
At a recent Democrat press conference, now commonly referred to as a Trump re-election event, Nancy Pelosi discussed Schiff’s leadership role in the upcoming impeachment inquiry.
She noted her complete confidence in his abilities. Apparently, this confidence was limited to his ability to discuss Trump’s atrocities in as much clarity as Stephen Hawking’s explaining the infield fly rule… in Mandarin Chinese… translated to pig Latin.
Pelosi then turned the discussion over to Schiff who proceeded to put the nose extension phenomenon on full display. With a grimaced face, he explained how it pained him to be critical of the President, but was duty-bound to protect the Constitution.
After Congressional staffers removed the injured and broken cameras from the area, Schiff continued his remarks from behind two feet of leaded glass.
Jerry Nadler offered up some words of advice for the journalists who were eager to do hard-hitting, investigative reporting. He then broke out in uncontrollable laughter since actual journalists are now extinct. Plus, reporters work from home reviewing daily DNC talking points and surfing social media.
Schiff concluded the briefing with information on exciting new nose control research that so far has shown some positive results. Researchers developed an experimental ointment costing $1.2 billion, funded by the Congressional Litigation Defense Fund. When Schiff used it without effect, he was counseled on its proper application as a topical cream.
Schiff did report, though, that his chin has almost completely disappeared.
Outlaw politicians from using the word “trillion” (we have a new way to describe the cost of government proposals)
Around election time, which is continual, politicians throw the word “trillion” around hoping taxpayers haven’t a clue to its meaning. So when Bernie says his green new deal will cost $16 trillion, he knows the number 16 doesn’t sound too outrageous. In this case, though, 16 is a very big number. And not big like I bought 16 whole rotisserie chickens at Costco. And not even big like, I bought 16 Costco’s. No. Much. Much bigger.
We looked at this carefully in our post from February 10, 2018 where we evaluated the relative size of $20 trillion, our national debt at the time. As an example, did you know that:
If a reality TV show had 20 trillion words of dialog spoken and ran 24 hours a day, every day, it would last for 250 thousand years.
To help better communicate the size of a trillion, let’s look at the current national debt which stands at $22,535,028,300,000 or as your congressman or woman would put it, a little over $22 trillion. There must be a better way to portray the enormously large $22 trillion debt so that it more effectively communicates the impact on taxpayers.
We offer you a new descriptive unit for the dollar other than “trillion.” We’re calling it drone dollars. It’s the dollars each taxpayer owes for any proposal you hear from your congress-gender-non-specific person. We use “drone” since so many taxpayers just wander through life guided by the “great ideas” from our politicians. We even designed a symbol for it:
You get a national debt in drone dollars of $160,000. So just like Howard Beale in Network, we want you to get up right now and go to the window, open it, stick your head out and yell “my share of the national debt is $160,000!” Oh yeah, and “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!”
By the way, if you do decide to take a peak at the “live” national debt clock, note that it only takes 5 seconds to rack up your drone dollars – $160,000 .
Mad as hell yet?
*[Here we’re using the number of tax returns filed and yes we know it’s an average and yes we haven’t included the 9% collected from corporate taxes – which by the way comes from profits which come from sales which come from people. And taxpayers are people.]
A recession may well indeed be looming over the horizon… or maybe it isn’t… or maybe it is… Or maybe whatever story we get from biased politicians and biased media will include deeply embedded exaggeration, hyperbole or down-right lies to the point of making it impossible to determine what’s reality.
One thing to know for certain, politicians like to scare us because there are only two things that scare them:
- Bad news for citizens while a politician is holding office
- Good news for citizens while a politician is trying to get into office
- bad news is someone else’s good news
- bad news gets the attention
- politicians live on bad news
Ipso facto, expect to be told
“this is the most important election in our lifetime because a vote for the other candidate will lead to (fill in the blank) , all elderly being (fill in the blank) , the wholesale slaughter of (fill in the blank) and The Purge.”
So the next time you hear that all polar bears will soon spontaneously combust or we’re being invaded by axe wielding maniacal border crossers, consider the source.
We have many more personal things to worry about like shirts that constrict at the armpit. Don’t judge, it’s a thing, look it up.
Trump has so angered the Democrats that the DNC held an emergency meeting on Wednesday to review possible changes to their by-laws which, surprisingly, have no mention of rats. Due to the group’s overwhelming sympathy for what Nancy Pelosi described as ground squirrels only dumber, a resolution was brought forward to change the Democrat mascot from donkey to rat.
A heated debate ensued when Representative Nadler pointed out that Trump frequently disparages penguins and that respect for all mammals should be included. Senator Mark Warner from Virginia reminded Nadler that a penguin is a bird… and that Trump was actually calling Nadler Batman’s nemesis, the Penguin.
Into the late evening went deliberations until the members realized that the by-laws currently do not even include the donkey as the current Democrat symbol. However, since “ass” is included, a compromise was proposed by Senator Bernie Sanders to include both as symbols. This was accepted overwhelmingly at which point Representative Ocasio-Cortez added the approved text into the by-laws using goat’s blood and sorcery.
The official symbol of the Democrat National Committee is now the rat’s ass. Editorial cartoonists across the country are scrambling to figure out what one looks like.
Lucky for us, our crack staff of investigative reporters managed to catch Bob Mueller in the halls over at the Dirksen building shortly after his hearing today. There were still some unanswered questions.
me: Bob, got a second?
Bob: Huh? mumble, um, er, mumble. Excuse me while I take the marbles out of my mouth and ears.
me: The Steele dossier wasn’t on the table in today’s hearing Why?
Bob: It was a small table.
me: But the dossier led to the FISA warrants which opened the door to FBI agents who wanted to set Trump’s hair on fire and cut off his tie which led to the collusion conspiracy theories which led to the investigation which led to the reason you’re here today.
Bob: That’s totally incorrect! You have that completely backwards! The FBI agents wanted to set Trump’s tie on fire and cut off his hair.
me: But isn’t it concerning that the FBI was used as a political weapon by one campaign to get an advantage over another?
Bob: When Hillary was crowned as the Democrat’s candidate to go against Trump the only weapon they had available was her charm, good looks and stamina. It was just a case of leveling the playing field.
me: Well thanks. What’s next.
Bob: We’re all off to Nadler’s place. He promised to show us his stomach reduction scar.