Latest Event Updates
Invasion of the never Trumpers
Apparently the 1978 documentary Invasion of the Body Snatchers was more than just a conspiracy theory, it’s been proven to be our new reality. We’re not sure how one would get infected, but we’ve identified clear signs:
- Participation in the anti-fascist movement by suppressing speech and providing frequent beatings until the rest of us fall in line.
- Thinking ethnic appropriation is very bad but gender appropriation very good.
- Using capitalist innovations to tear down capitalism.
- Crushing civil rights in the name of civil rights.
- Throwing temper tantrums, shaming those who disagree, and administering beatings to promote tolerance.
- Thinking civil war statues are scarier than socialism.
- Supporting open borders.
- Promoting free stuff at post-pod transformation.
Pod people now are a real thing causing such grave confusion in the afflicted that the choice of which bathroom to use is only the beginning of each day’s zombie-like plodding.
Those blank stares, though immediately turn to seething rage at the sight of a red hat, the sound of the Star Spangled Banner, or the smell of freedom and liberty.
Donald Trump meet Donald Sutherland.
NY Times: All the print bias that fits
Like Nevada’s Chicken Ranch (which doesn’t sell chicken, wink wink), the New York Times is displaying flexibility that should be greatly appreciated by its customers. A recent Times front page headline “Trump Urges Unity vs. Racism” after Trump urged unity versus racism, caused the type of outrage we haven’t seen since Toys ‘R Us stopped selling Che Guevara action figures.
The outcry was so dramatic from several of the Democrat presidential candidates as well as members of Congress and others within the liberal elite that the Times was forced to take action and return to instilling opinion even on the front page, even in front page headlines and even in their motto “All the print bias that fits” or something like that.
Damage control was accomplished with a headline change to “Assailing Hate but not Guns”, distribution of Trump voodoo dolls during the annual elephant dismemberment ritual and sacrificing a Times intern. These noble actions, however, were met with some skepticism, but all is, apparently, forgiven. Their front row table at the annual White House Correspondence Dinner remains secure, for now.
Could the moderators at least be moderate lefties?
At Confederacy of Drones we’re a little concerned over the health of the Democrat debate moderators as evidenced by night #2 of debate #2 with questions #4, 9, 12, 14, 15, 16,… and then pretty much the rest. Those questions showed distinct symptoms of Trump Derangement Syndrome. We imagine the moderators sweating the night before to come up with questions so the debate focus is on Trump. This will also help avoid the democrat candidates turning into Lord-of-the-Flies-like feral children on stage.
To provide the moderators with some relief we’ve come up with questions that should adequately suit their needs while appealing to both people watching the next debate.
- Are you for or against a tsunami even if not caused by Trump?
- How much time do we have in (years or months) before we all drown or get eaten by lions because of global warming?
- Since from a distance Washington Nationals baseball caps look similar to MAGA caps, would you ignore beatings Nat’s fans receive even if they don’t support Trump?
- To pay for all of the freebies you’ve promised, how will you convince China to buy unicorn horns from the U.S.?
- If you had to choose whether to douse the flames of only one, and both Trump and the body of Charles Manson were on fire, which one would you choose?
- If you would douse Trump, would you use regular unleaded or premium?
- Would you make an attempt to appeal to Trump supporters since they’re racist, or just stick with calling them deplorable?
- Is white privilege gauged on how pale you are, or what? Put your hand down Cory. That was a rhetorical question.
- Which is caused by global warming? Hot temperature, cold temperature, room temperature or humidity? [Note: this is a trick question, since the obvious answer is all of them.]
- How will you encourage flatulence collection research to meet the requirements of the Green New Deal’s fart ban?
- Raise your hand if you have ever said “f#&k Trump.”
- Raise your hand if you have said that tonight.
- Raise your hand if you are willing to say it now.
These have already been forwarded to Donna Brazile so she can distribute to select candidates.
Confederacy of Drones 