Toilet paper and other insanity
Life during the coronavirus can be tedious, dull and anxiety-provoking. The cause, of course, is our new COVID-19 stay-at-home holiday and forced family time. A holiday, by the way, without turkey, football, or tryptophan. Luckily if you missed your emergency grocery shopping window, there’s still an endless supply of congealed cranberry-sauce-in-a-can.
Despite our new sequestered lifestyle, we should take smart actions to stop the vile pestilence known as the mainstream media. Remember their motto:
If it bleeds, it leads. If it sneezes, it teases. If it swells, it sells.
To counter the pervasive hype, the world needs complete eradication of any illness that drives headlines.
To accomplish this here’s a handy list of do’s and don’ts when confronted with a communicable disease battle and accompanying hysteria.
- Take a cue from Antifa’s foresight; masks can be effective at concealing your identity from Covid-19. That won’t protect you from the virus, but it might keep you from touching your face.
- Unlike Antifa’s other strategy, we don’t recommend battering people to ensure they get a preventive hospital stay.
- Finger sucking in public is discouraged. Joe Biden, I’m talking to you.
- The grocery store’s cleaning aisle is NOT a pharmacy.
- For proactive social distancing try these tips:
- Print your own Wuhan souvenir t-shirts to wear in public.
- Keep a cooler labeled “biohazard” with you at all times.
- Wear a bodysuit with protruding cattle prods.
- Dress like Pee-Wee Herman and randomly shout “I know you are, but what am I!”
- Begin writing the book, “1001 uses for Toilet Paper.” It won’t stop a virus, but the book profits will overcome any 401K losses.
- Pretend to see invisible children in your home and encourage your kids to become their friend.
- Develop your own invisible friends.
- How about a game night? Here are some suggestions:
- Shoots and Daggers, Apocalypse Edition
- Hide and Seek Solitaire
- Hungry Hungry Microbes
- Brandy Land
- Risk, Pandemic Version
- And finally, WASH YOUR HANDS.
1984 author George Orwell was wrong. The government doesn’t need frequent victories in endless wars to control its people. It just needs the media to find our perpetual enemies.
Corona Trump Derangement (TDS-45) virus attacking the media
The media’s interest in the Democrat Primary is on an apparent decline. Corona Trump Derangement-45 is making headlines over the Democrat primary race.
This is surprising since media often gravitate toward fires. The stench though may have forced them to keep their distance. This fire is consuming a dumpster. The other reason for keeping only one eye on the primary is the media’s inability to turn it into an attack on Trump.
The media’s worn out attempts to develop Russia-gate, Ukraine-gate, and over-cooked-steak-with-ketchup-and-two-scoops-of-ice-cream-gate smells of desperation and Brussel sprouts.
In an effort to show us their determination at blaming everything on Trump, the media are displaying the gusto of left-wing elitists at a Soros-sponsored baby-parts auction. The following attempts haven’t stuck to Trump but you have to admire the creativity.
Reasons the Democrat debates have gone so poorly:
- Chaotic and uncontained exuberance for defeating Trump. After all, a strong economy removes voters’ victim status, the party’s lifeblood.
- Candidates believe Trump is easily beaten leading to too many contenders. At least that’s what people in LA and NYC told them.
- Hate for Trump brings out exaggerated facial expressions and mannerisms making editorial cartoonists’ jobs too easy.
- The candidates are stricken with Trump Derangement Syndrome. One symptom is the desire to embrace the complete opposite of Trump. Like capitalism countered with socialism, border security countered with open borders and winning countered with losing.
Then a new virus called severe acute respiratory syndrome-related coronavirus 2, or SARS-CoV-2 begins running rampant through Wuhan, China. New hope springs from the Democrats as they crank up the carbon generating, fossil fuel-powered political machine. Damn global warming, full speed ahead.
A nickname tying Trump to this will SURELY bring him down.
The media quickly recognize that the name SARS-CoV-2 can’t be exploited against Trump.
Sure SARS was really bad and really deadly, but it’ll be been-there-done-that in the mind of U.S. voters. Jim Acosta poll-tested “Trump Flu” but respondents overwhelmingly thought that was the virus that causes Trump Derangement Syndrome.
Then at the mere mention of Trump Derangement Syndrome, media members automatically slipped into their straight-jackets in a pre-conditioned response.
The media’s apoplectic fit recovery and straight-jacket removal delayed the development of an appropriate Trump/flu nickname. The opportunity had long passed. “Coronavirus” had secured itself in the nation’s lexicon.
The media went to the Democrats for help. “Why is it so hard to stick a nickname to Trump”, came their collective appeal.
In unison were blank stares and shoulder shrugs from Crazy Nancy, Cryin’ Chuck, Sleepy Joe, and Mini Mike.