Democrat
Obamacare Surprises
Many years ago Nancy Pelosi bravely said, “We have to pass the bill to know what’s in it.” Well apparently you also have to read the Affordable Care Act after passing.
Figuring that no one had actually unraveled it, we decided to take our best shot. Fourteen and half hours later you could barely tell we’d made any progress on a publication so large that it has its own gravitational field. In a dramatic stroke of brilliance and keen journalistic instinct, or perhaps outright laziness, we decided to start from the back figuring that most gave up long before reaching even Section AK.I.v.456.k.87.ii to know what was in that deeply hidden territory.
What we found, buried so far down that twice we got the bends after pulling ourselves from its depths, is provided here.
- Hospital stays exceeding two days require patient-provided bedpans and light bulbs.
- Co-pays are now tracked by as a Wall Street investment index.
- Supersized meals require a pre-order cholesterol screening.
- Half off Abortion-Tuesdays at Family Dollar stores everywhere.
- The term “deductibles” is omitted from the medical lexicon in favor of “insurer’s fair share.”
- Malpractice lawsuits shall be known as “pulling the ‘ol Okey-Dokey.”
- A sympathetic nod is an authorized cancer treatment.
- Preventive care brain biopsies required for those over 50 and exclusively performed by the New Guinea Papua tribe.
- A 20% tip automatically added to prescription drug purchases.
- All students with a Roman numeral suffix (i.e., III, IV, etc.) are authorized to skip their second year of medical school.
- School lunch programs shall include Soylent Green Fridays.
- All US citizens are equal; however, members of Congress are more equal than you.
- “Physicians” are now called “care administrators”
- Emergency appendectomies are outsourced to Cuba.
- The Big Gulp is replaced by the Rationed Sip.
- Free returns for all patients not satisfied with their amputations.
- Emergency room wait times limited to 2 hours. If less than 2 hours, patients will write repeatedly, “health care is a right” until the 2 hours is reached, then you may see the care administrator.
- Illness is unauthorized on the last day of each month.
- A juggling competition will determine the order patients are seen by care administrators.
- Care administrators are determined by a spin of the regional Wheel O’ Doctors
- Government run meal planning is managed by the Internal Revenue Service.
Apparently Obama knew it wouldn’t be read in its entirety for there, on the second to last page, he’d inserted the nuclear launch codes.
Fake News Includes the Spin
The latest Washington Post/ABC poll checks the pulse of voters to determine the level of presidential buyer’s remorse. You can almost sense WaPo’s giddiness in a feature article on the poll as they highlight the worst of the Trump news and sink anything Trump-positive to the very bottom.
After you’ve read through the first 1450 words of this 1489-word article, WaPo begrudgingly gets to the most interesting poll result; Trump would beat Hillary even in the popular vote if the election were held today.
That got us to thinking how else the mainstream print outlets can spin a story toward their preconceived biases. Below are a few thoughts on how that might look.
Fearless Girl takes her icy stare on the road
Fearless Girl has gotten a little cocky since she stood up to the Wall Street bull, that symbol of financial optimism and prosperity. So brash in fact that she’s graduated from turning this bull into a steer and now takes her intimidation on the road. Her search for other icons that she can threaten with her icy stare and bravado is taking her on a world-wide excursion. We’ve captured the best moments in this photo essay as FG traveled the globe.
Liberals helping capitalism
Image Posted on Updated on
Now that Ivanka Trump’s perfume has seen a sales explosion due to, of all things, retail outlets removal of the product from their shelves, Ms Trump has been looking to further incorporate irritated liberals in her business strategy.
Immediately following the election, major retailers decided that it is better for the country and their business if they did not appear to be in any way supportive of the new pro-business president. Unfortunately, the vast majority of liberal women do not enjoy smelling pleasant, leaving this bold move to go unnoticed by their targeted demographic.
A recent poll indicated that the most popular scent for women who lean left was royal pine air freshener. “These women are clearly not playing in the women’s fragrance market, hell, they’ve barely cracked the deodorant and razor markets”, said pollster Carlton Treat.
Despite the lack of interest in fragrances beyond what is immediately available from nature, Ms Trump has determined that these liberals can play an important role in production and marketing. She just announced a new women’s fragrance she’s calling Larmes de Gauche.
Through keen business observations, Ms Trump found a perpetual supply of the key ingredient that will certainly outrage the left and make the sales of Larmes de Gauche the hottest Ivanka Trump product to date … tears of liberals. “The volume produced is incredible”, says Ms Trump. “The only downside is collecting the flood of tears without being bitten.”
Public health notice: All tears collected are painstakingly subjected to intense radiation to kill STD’s and most common forms of microbes and fungus related to poor hygiene.
Confederacy of Drones 