Latest Event Updates
Eliminating the burden of voting
As Adam Schiff opened the final day of impeachment testimony, he thanked the minority party, the day’s witnesses and a country that wants politicians to take care of all basic needs. He expressed confidence that the trail to impeachment would crush President Trump, ending his chance for a second term.
Nancy Pelosi commented that:
“This removes the voter from the election process. And even proves that we can eliminate the act of voting as a basic need. Unless it does the opposite.”
Schiff expressed sureness that voters will come to several unanimous conclusions by the end of the day. Namely that the majority members provided solid proof that Trump says mean things and is orange. Schiff noted another obvious conclusion.
“The committee has relieved an already overburdened citizenry of its voting obligation.”
His confidence was now peaking as evident by the dramatic reduction in his blink rate and eye bulging.
Schiff continued with:
“The country should not place the strain of voting on working-class people, living or dead. We want to free all citizens from their November 2020 election day drudgery for new pursuits”.
To fill the resulting abundance of free time, Schiff suggested memorizing Mao Zedong poetry, identifying crimes against the establishment, or improving on Venezuelan recipes that have road-kill, tree bark, and used socks as the only ingredients.
The committee managed the final testimonies as during the previous days.
Each minority committee member was required to bang their head on the dais three times prior to each five-minute session, precede each question with “by the power given through the committee chair”, and replenish the majority’s stock of peeled grapes during intermissions.
Following the final witness’ testimony, Schiff concluded the House open hearings.
“I’d like to thank everyone who participated during these House Committee on Circus Act Strategy hearings. We all recognize that our citizenry remains too dumb, destitute, dependent and/or deplorable to live without the government as a surrogate parent. Therefore, we next take on John and Jane Q. Public’s burden of food chewing.”
Schiff blinked that last statement in Morse code.
Escalation of government freebies
Undercover operatives attempting to make journalism fashionable again snuck into a stoic Long Island party over the weekend at the posh Mill Neck Manor. Attendees included Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders, who each hold prestigious leadership roles within the clique.
What the journalists discovered was a shameful display of greed, arrogance, snobbery, and socialism. The group of party-goers, known by the collective name, GASS (apparently standing for greed, arrogance, snobbery, and socialism) were busy readying themselves for a night of debauchery including:
- Word games where the participants must respell names of American cities using the Cyrillic alphabet,
- Carving competition to see who could make their 15-pound spool of beef and lamb look like Che Guevara, and
- A competition requiring participants to make convincing arguments as to why their experience at community organizing qualified as a “job”.
Also on the agenda was a team-building exercise where a completed jigsaw puzzle of the US Constitution was disassembled.
The most shocking event of the night was a game called Sacrifice for Socialism.
The current GASS potentate, Raul Castro, reminded the group of the two teams within the GASS membership: Team Feel-the-Bern led by Sanders and Team Pregnant Pocahontas with Warren as the leader, or as she preferred, the “chief”. Castro then quickly briefed Nicholas Madura, the group’s newest member, on the rules.
The object of Sacrifice for Socialism is for each team to identify increasingly socialistic policies. Sanders and Warren then float those policies publicly during the 2020 presidential primary campaign.
As the game progresses, teams increase the government freebies until one of the candidates drops below 1% in polling.
The other team is the winner and receives a cash prize of exactly one dollar. Over nearly two years of playing, a winner has yet to be crowned.
Maduro noted that the game sounded very much like the by-laws for his Vice Ministry of Supreme Happiness.
Which, surprisingly, is a thing.
All attendees commented on how they had no idea the game would have this kind of longevity, and as a surprising bonus, poll numbers for both candidates continue to rise. In response, GASS members will consider a motion at next month’s meeting to change the game’s name to Suckers for Socialism.
In a sarcastic move, the clique unanimously voted to rename the clique, the Lincoln Club. It turns out that you CAN actually fool all of the people all of the time.
Jeffrey Epstein’s haunting of ABC
We no longer have Jeffrey Epstein around due to his highly coincidental and suspicious suicide, or as Hillary calls it, Tuesday house cleaning. We do, though, have the ghost of Epstein materializing at least weekly.
ABC Studios felt his presence most recently.
ABC’s Amy Robach spoke frankly about an unaired story on Epstein that she helped develop. The news piece included connections to Bill Clinton and adventures involving the Lolita Express and Orgy Island.
“It was going to be impactful. Even more so than our seven-part series on Trump’s selfish approach to ice cream scoops”, she recounted when discussing how ABC News killed the story in 2015.
In their defense, ABC stated that
“not all of the reporting met our standards to air. There wasn’t even any video evidence, DNA, polygraph corroboration, confession, or live occurrence at a Super Bowl halftime show.”
ABC also pointed out how busy they were in 2015. “Our priority at the time was a collaborative retrospective with The Weinstein Company on Roman Polansky’s creative genius.”
Following this explanation, Robach appeared to have had a recent head trauma incident. When asked about the 2015 events, she responded: “who’s this Epstein you keep speaking of?”
If it was about standards, one would expect a consistent approach to all ABC reporting. Hence the word “standard.” Say for instance, how they chose to cover the Epstein/Clinton connection compared to Brett Kavanaugh’s coverage during the combined Supreme Court hearings and witch-burning rituals.
A cursory review of ABC’s almost 7000 news items on Kavanaugh, revealed standards as flexible as the personalities of James McAvoy’s “Split” character.
Each accuser’s indictments were thoroughly documented as ABC took the country through five of Dante’s nine levels of purgatory, otherwise known as open hearings.
To give you an idea of how serious they were about standards during those hearings, here’s an actual ABC headline:
Witches to ‘hex’ Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh; exorcists pray in response
In the end, though, that witch hunt did result in the discovery of witches.
Confederacy of Drones 