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Congress struggles with “work”, oh SNAP
Independent journalists recently discovered a 2016 closed-door meeting transcript involving the leadership of both the Democrat and Republican parties. That meeting including Nancy Pelosi, Mitch McConnell, Matt Damon, and Porky Pig. The transcript revealed a striking level of cooperation within the group. Unfortunately, the group failed to invite a representative of US citizens.
Doubly unfortunate, mainstream media attended as an off-the-record voting member.
In a candid moment of self-reflection, the meeting attendees discussed their continued burden of being expected to make decisions. The leadership reflected on their goal to avoid taking responsibility for, well, leadership.
Pelosi echoed the wishes of each meeting participant for a world-wide distraction that would consume the next four years, have the appearance of reflective, soulful, and hard work, portray both parties as having spines, and avoid actual hard work.
Porky Pig was the first to suggest that “Maybe we could impea, impea, impea… indict Trump.” The room filled with intense laughter at the ridiculous thought followed immediately by a moment of thoughtful silence.
Along with obvious all-consuming distraction an impeachment effort might cause, Damon was hopeful that a movie about Trump’s demise would be bigger than The Green Zone, Downsizing or even Jersey Girl.
At this, the transcript noted a collective eye-roll.
Following a quick search under the couch for one of McConnell’s eyes, the group proceeded in their planning.
Pelosi began with a set of ground rules:
- The naming of post offices would become the key House function. [After a brief argument, McConnell agreed that the Senate would try to keep up.]
- The group would allow Jerry Nadler and Adam Schiff to attend remedial feigned indignation training.
- Matt Damon must persuade Twitter to not suspend Trump’s account.
- McConnell would ensure Pelosi has an opportunity to yell importantly at members of the media and proclaim her deeply held Catholic believes, other than that pesky abortion thing.
Attendees vehemently agreed that more rules would be too difficult to remember.
Someone, although it’s not clear who, concluded the meeting with “That’s all folks.”
Eliminating the burden of voting
As Adam Schiff opened the final day of impeachment testimony, he thanked the minority party, the day’s witnesses and a country that wants politicians to take care of all basic needs. He expressed confidence that the trail to impeachment would crush President Trump, ending his chance for a second term.
Nancy Pelosi commented that:
“This removes the voter from the election process. And even proves that we can eliminate the act of voting as a basic need. Unless it does the opposite.”
Schiff expressed sureness that voters will come to several unanimous conclusions by the end of the day. Namely that the majority members provided solid proof that Trump says mean things and is orange. Schiff noted another obvious conclusion.
“The committee has relieved an already overburdened citizenry of its voting obligation.”
His confidence was now peaking as evident by the dramatic reduction in his blink rate and eye bulging.
Schiff continued with:
“The country should not place the strain of voting on working-class people, living or dead. We want to free all citizens from their November 2020 election day drudgery for new pursuits”.
To fill the resulting abundance of free time, Schiff suggested memorizing Mao Zedong poetry, identifying crimes against the establishment, or improving on Venezuelan recipes that have road-kill, tree bark, and used socks as the only ingredients.
The committee managed the final testimonies as during the previous days.
Each minority committee member was required to bang their head on the dais three times prior to each five-minute session, precede each question with “by the power given through the committee chair”, and replenish the majority’s stock of peeled grapes during intermissions.
Following the final witness’ testimony, Schiff concluded the House open hearings.
“I’d like to thank everyone who participated during these House Committee on Circus Act Strategy hearings. We all recognize that our citizenry remains too dumb, destitute, dependent and/or deplorable to live without the government as a surrogate parent. Therefore, we next take on John and Jane Q. Public’s burden of food chewing.”
Schiff blinked that last statement in Morse code.
Escalation of government freebies
Undercover operatives attempting to make journalism fashionable again snuck into a stoic Long Island party over the weekend at the posh Mill Neck Manor. Attendees included Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders, who each hold prestigious leadership roles within the clique.
What the journalists discovered was a shameful display of greed, arrogance, snobbery, and socialism. The group of party-goers, known by the collective name, GASS (apparently standing for greed, arrogance, snobbery, and socialism) were busy readying themselves for a night of debauchery including:
- Word games where the participants must respell names of American cities using the Cyrillic alphabet,
- Carving competition to see who could make their 15-pound spool of beef and lamb look like Che Guevara, and
- A competition requiring participants to make convincing arguments as to why their experience at community organizing qualified as a “job”.
Also on the agenda was a team-building exercise where a completed jigsaw puzzle of the US Constitution was disassembled.
The most shocking event of the night was a game called Sacrifice for Socialism.
The current GASS potentate, Raul Castro, reminded the group of the two teams within the GASS membership: Team Feel-the-Bern led by Sanders and Team Pregnant Pocahontas with Warren as the leader, or as she preferred, the “chief”. Castro then quickly briefed Nicholas Madura, the group’s newest member, on the rules.
The object of Sacrifice for Socialism is for each team to identify increasingly socialistic policies. Sanders and Warren then float those policies publicly during the 2020 presidential primary campaign.
As the game progresses, teams increase the government freebies until one of the candidates drops below 1% in polling.
The other team is the winner and receives a cash prize of exactly one dollar. Over nearly two years of playing, a winner has yet to be crowned.
Maduro noted that the game sounded very much like the by-laws for his Vice Ministry of Supreme Happiness.
Which, surprisingly, is a thing.
All attendees commented on how they had no idea the game would have this kind of longevity, and as a surprising bonus, poll numbers for both candidates continue to rise. In response, GASS members will consider a motion at next month’s meeting to change the game’s name to Suckers for Socialism.
In a sarcastic move, the clique unanimously voted to rename the clique, the Lincoln Club. It turns out that you CAN actually fool all of the people all of the time.
Confederacy of Drones 