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Obama’s been quite busy during the last few weeks of his presidency in an attempt to have a legacy when he leaves office. In that spirit, we thought we’d predict a few possible last minute actions this administration might take.
- Declare Stephen Hawking the JV team of theoretical physics.
- Pardon the rap music industry – past, present, and future – for the misogynist, racist, anti-zionist rage they spew.
- Pardon Hillary for all past criminal activity and up to seven future murders.
- In response to Israel now ignoring the earlier UN resolution, convince the UN to pass the much stricter “I Know You Are But What Am I” resolution immediately followed by the “Finger Wag of Disapproval” declaration.
- Burn the Lincoln Room furnishings before the Mongol hord invades.
- Declare 1/20/17 as national “Lost Hope” Day.
- Make Facebook the official news agency of the US and establish MSNBC as sanctioned fact checker.
- Replace US History textbooks in middle and high school with binders of meme’s.
- Declare Jimmy Spencer’s backyard sandbox in Wheaton, Kansas, as protected land complete with digging restrictions.
- Fire FBI Director James Comey and replace him with Hillary Clinton.
- Require unemployment figures to slowly transition over the next four years to include those people who have given up on employment.
- Give Hillary the Resolute Desk to prevent Trump from propping his feet up on it. Besides, anyone who would want the presidency so bad that they’d lie, cheat, and corrupt so many is the definition of “resolute.”
- Issue an Executive Order requiring Christians to stitch a cross onto their clothing so that liberals know who should get a Merry Christmas greeting.
- Establish safe spaces for entertainers who’re traumatized by the possibility of performing for conservatives. Bouncers will be checking for crosses stitched on clothing.
- Replace all of the Czars in the White House with the guy who made the Russian “reset” button.
- Set up an oversight group led by the Congressional Black Caucus to approve all future Beer Summits.
- Eliminate “No Child Left Behind” and re-purpose the slogan for Planned Parenthood.
- Issue an Executive Order to require any new fences built in the US to be no higher than 10 feet.
- Immediately commission an aid package to Mexico that includes 12 million 11-foot ladders.
- Rename HUD headquarters The Fidel Castro Memorial Center.
- With the success of casual Fridays, institute “Narcissist Mondays” – but only Obama is allowed to participate. “It goes so well with our ‘Narcissist Tuesdays through Sundays’ program” said the President.
- Follow that with “No-Criticism-of-Former-Presidents-with-the-Initials-BO Tuesdays.”
- Require all bakeries to maintain Bride of Satan cakes. Inventory of virgin organs not required.
A famous poet once said, “Step right up and win some crap.” We may be paraphrasing… or maybe it wasn’t a poet. Anyway, give us your thoughts and we’ll send you some crap.
Posted below are our tongue-in-cheek new year’s resolution suggestions for a few well known personalities. We’re now wondering who we missed and what their resolutions are are or should be. We’d love to hear your suggestions. Consider politicians, entertainers, eating contest champions, or those few who, justly or not, received their 15 minutes of fame in 2016. Everyone who submits gets a chicken scratching otherwise known as an original sketch, mailed directly to you. That’s right, art, guaranteed to be worth $0.47 … if the postage stamp wasn’t cancelled.
We left a lot of people off our list who are in dire need of some timely resolutions: James Comey, Anthony Weiner, Matt Stonie (moon pie eating champion), Beyonce, Brad Pitt or anyone in the Trump brood.
You can provide your thoughts directly in the comments section of the blog. Or just email your suggested resolutions to us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Remember, humor counts – assuming anyone has a sense of humor left. We’ll collect suggestions until New Year’s Eve and then compile the best of the bunch.
Here are the Confederacy of Drones 2017 New Year’s Resolutions.