if it bleeds it leads
Toilet paper and other insanity
Life during the coronavirus can be tedious, dull and anxiety-provoking. The cause, of course, is our new COVID-19 stay-at-home holiday and forced family time. A holiday, by the way, without turkey, football, or tryptophan. Luckily if you missed your emergency grocery shopping window, there’s still an endless supply of congealed cranberry-sauce-in-a-can.
Despite our new sequestered lifestyle, we should take smart actions to stop the vile pestilence known as the mainstream media. Remember their motto:
If it bleeds, it leads. If it sneezes, it teases. If it swells, it sells.
To counter the pervasive hype, the world needs complete eradication of any illness that drives headlines.
To accomplish this here’s a handy list of do’s and don’ts when confronted with a communicable disease battle and accompanying hysteria.
- Take a cue from Antifa’s foresight; masks can be effective at concealing your identity from Covid-19. That won’t protect you from the virus, but it might keep you from touching your face.
- Unlike Antifa’s other strategy, we don’t recommend battering people to ensure they get a preventive hospital stay.
- Finger sucking in public is discouraged. Joe Biden, I’m talking to you.
- The grocery store’s cleaning aisle is NOT a pharmacy.
- For proactive social distancing try these tips:
- Print your own Wuhan souvenir t-shirts to wear in public.
- Keep a cooler labeled “biohazard” with you at all times.
- Wear a bodysuit with protruding cattle prods.
- Dress like Pee-Wee Herman and randomly shout “I know you are, but what am I!”
- Begin writing the book, “1001 uses for Toilet Paper.” It won’t stop a virus, but the book profits will overcome any 401K losses.
- Pretend to see invisible children in your home and encourage your kids to become their friend.
- Develop your own invisible friends.
- How about a game night? Here are some suggestions:
- Shoots and Daggers, Apocalypse Edition
- Hide and Seek Solitaire
- Hungry Hungry Microbes
- Brandy Land
- Risk, Pandemic Version
- And finally, WASH YOUR HANDS.
1984 author George Orwell was wrong. The government doesn’t need frequent victories in endless wars to control its people. It just needs the media to find our perpetual enemies.