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Outbreak of spontaneous nose growth

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In the era of Adam Schiff as a political party leader, frequent spontaneous nose growth is occurring anytime a microphone and a Democrat are in the same room.  Staff physicians, thus far, have identified no cause for the protrusive nose outbreak.  Their wood-like density and occasional leafy offshoots are even more baffling.

Meanwhile, explosive nose growths on Capitol Hill have resulted in the loss of 17 eyes, 87 cracked press camera lenses and a broken windshield.

At a recent Democrat press conference, now commonly referred to as a Trump re-election event, Nancy Pelosi discussed Schiff’s leadership role in the upcoming impeachment inquiry.

She noted her complete confidence in his abilities.  Apparently, this confidence was limited to his ability to discuss Trump’s atrocities in as much clarity as Stephen Hawking’s explaining the infield fly rule… in Mandarin Chinese… translated to pig Latin.

Pelosi then turned the discussion over to Schiff who proceeded to put the nose extension phenomenon on full display.  With a grimaced face, he explained how it pained him to be critical of the President, but was duty-bound to protect the Constitution.

After Congressional staffers removed the injured and broken cameras from the area, Schiff continued his remarks from behind two feet of leaded glass.

Jerry Nadler offered up some words of advice for the journalists who were eager to do hard-hitting, investigative reporting. He then broke out in uncontrollable laughter since actual journalists are now extinct. Plus, reporters work from home reviewing daily DNC talking points and surfing social media.

Schiff concluded the briefing with information on exciting new nose control research that so far has shown some positive results.  Researchers developed an experimental ointment costing $1.2 billion, funded by the Congressional Litigation Defense Fund.   When Schiff used it without effect, he was counseled on its proper application as a topical cream.

Schiff did report, though, that his chin has almost completely disappeared.

How about those Nats!

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Biden’s bin Laden “no” vote

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Al-Baghdadi is dead and the media aren’t feeling well either

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A quick scan of the headlines will tell you everything you need to know about the mainstream media’s reaction to al-Baghdadi’s death.  Journalists woke up Sunday morning to a pending major Trump announcement planned for 9:00am.  Hopes were high as they began praying for a sudden Trump resignation, or perhaps a recording of Trump singing “You Are My Sunshine” to Putin, or maybe the discovery of a Trump diary written when he was 13.

Unfortunately for our single-minded media elites, the announcement was about the raid and subsequent death of al-Baghdadi.  Adam Schiff was inconsolable from within his impeachment bunker, otherwise known as the Schiff Sieve.  Nancy Pelosi offered her encouragement by bulging her eyeballs out a couple of additional centimeters and yelling “Fly my pretties! Find that dark lining around this silver cloud!”

With those marching orders, here are a few of the actual headlines that emerged during Sunday afternoon.

From Newsweek:

Obama White House photographer suggests Trump Situation Room photo of unfolding al-Baghdadi raid was staged

From CNN:

The 41 most shocking lines from Donald Trump’s Baghdadi announcement

From USA Today:

Donald Trump withheld details of ISIS raid from Nancy Pelosi, other congressional Democrats

From NBC:

The killing of al-Baghdadi is a win Trump needed, but the credit could be fleeting

With the sub-headline:

Analysis: The ISIS leader is hardly a household name, as was Osama bin Laden.

[A quick note to NBC, if you feel the need to qualify who’s a household name and who isn’t, you might be trying too hard.]

From the Washington Post:

In creating spectacle around Baghdadi’s death, Trump departs from Obama’s more measured tone on bin Laden

The Post proceeded to play with other headlines like an undecided squirrel plays in the street. First they described al-Baghdadi as Islamic State’s terrorist-in-chief.”  This had to be changed because Obama would never use the word “terrorist.”  Then al-Baghdadi was an austere religious scholar.”  This, though, made him sound like faculty at Bob Jones University instead of  the embodiment of evil. The Post compromised on extremist leader of the Islamic state.” The squirrel survived but not without injuring its credibility.

The best headline of the day comes from the Daily Wire. “OOPS: ‘Saturday Night Live’ skit has terrorist thanking Trump for ‘Bringing Jobs Back to ISIS’ — just after U.S. forces had killed ISIS leader”

The media may be intentionally biased but the unintentional bonus was seeing Saturday Night Live funny again, although only momentarily.

The new and improved Mitt, aka, Pierre Delecto

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Mitt Romney, being in a perpetual search for a spine, has finally discovered Twitter, and gee, you don’t even have to use your real name.  Armed with newfound, Twitter-inspired boldness, Romney is feeling like his courageous old self… from way back in high school … when he gave someone an unwelcomed haircut. 

Since he needs a nom de plume for tweeting why not something French?  And Pierre Delecto is born.   “C’est moi” exclaimed Romney, because that’s another French term Pierre would use.

Romney realizes the chutzpah he can command with an alter-ego.  If only that spine-inducing social media personage were in play during the 2012 election.  Romney replayed in his mind key moments during his battle with the Democrats when they used every dirty trick in the book to secure Obama’s re-election.  This well documented, footnoted and thoroughly annotated book includes such dastardly historical feats as convincing the country to change clocks by an hour twice a year, securing an actual swamp for the nation’s capital and slipping the phrase “pull my finger” into the Gettysburg address.

[As a side note, the dirty tricks book was rewritten during the next four years to include using the IRS to target political foes, banning the word “terrorism” to solve terrorism, spying on political opponents, and short sheeting beds in Trump hotels.]

As Pierre Delecto, Romney would have had the perfect response to Harry Reid’s claim that the 2012 Republican nominee was a tax cheat.  Instead of just saying “am not” under his breath, Pierre would have provided an angry rebuttal with fists pounding on the table, fingers pointing, and demons storming from hell to fling exercise bands at Reid’s face.

 “That would show ‘em”, exclaimed Romney… to himself… in a soft dignified whisper.