nfl fan experience

Enhancing the NFL experience?

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Reserved lr

Since the NFL doesn’t seem to mind players expressing their political opinions while they have a captive, paying audience, we were wondering what else the NFL might do to negatively impact the fans’ experience.  Here are a few thoughts.

  • AARP-sponsored cheerleaders
  • playing field vibrates and scores are determined when someone randomly skitters across the goal line with the ball.  All done to to ACDC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long”
  • quinoa replaces meat products sold at concession stands
  • games are canceled when actual snowflakes fall on the field
  • each fan family is required to take home a multimillionaire player to continue the lectures re how unfair it is to live in the USA
  • the 2-minute warning is replaced with the 2-minute nation admonishment
  • lousy domestic swill beer is sold at $8 per warm plastic cup (oh sorry, already got that one)
  • pre-chewed pretzels
  • rubbery chicken tenders will actually be made of rubber
  • three drink minimum
  • the “Hail Mary” will be replaced with the “Allah Akbar”
  • “Wear Your Own Uniform” day.  All black along with masks encouraged
  • ISIS sponsored give-a-ways include headless bobbleheads
  • Festivus will be recognized as an official NFL holiday.  Player introductions will include the airing of a grievance.
  • concession stands all closed during political protests
  • concession food containers will be limited to environmentally friendly banana leaves
  • ESPN announcers to fist fight Jerry Jones during half time to Madonnas’ “Material Girl” (Note: Jerry wins)