The Obamas spent lavishly for a new home that previously served as their vacation getaway. With the resulting carbon footprint for a mansion of this size, we’re certain the former first family is struggling to identify appropriate offsets, you know, since the fate of the planet is in the balance.
Fortunately, Barrack and Michelle are in the process of taking significant steps to ward off total planetary destruction. To ensure we had the most timely information possible, the Obamas provided the following list of carbon cutting steps to us via an Airbus 380.
- Forced electric shock therapy for CNN anchors will be reduced to two nights a week.
- Secret service personnel will begin taking shifts riding the power generating bicycle.
- On Tuesday’s, only the deep end of the pool will be heated.
- Barrack and Michelle promise to fly together for grocery shopping trips to Hawaii.
- Instead of charcoal for the charcoal pit, the chef’s will burn Biden-for-President signs.
- Ice from the fjords of Norway will no longer be flown to Martha’s Vineyard to chill the Armand de Brignac Champagne. Instead the Obama’s will take the champagne to Norway.
The Obamas must have complete confidence that these actions will result in significant carbon reductions. How else could you explain buying a retirement mansion on the ocean. You know, the ocean that will rise and wipe out humanity in only a few years.