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Like Slim Pickens in “Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb” the Republicans might as well hold on, enjoy the ride and act excited about what their doing.
Now that the presumptive presidential nominee for the Democrats knows who’s she’ll be running against, she’s going “touring” again. First “listening” and now “breaking down barriers.” We thought we’d offer up a few tours that will likely be high on Hillary’s list of tour topics.
Kill Coal Industry Tour (unless I’m in West Virginia then Go Mountaineers Tour)
Make America Average Again Tour
My God, Can’t We Keep the Bimbos From Bill Tour
Bernie is Such a Pussy Tour
Watch Me Finish Bernie Off Like Roman Gladiator Against a Peasant Tour
Never Poor Again Tour
Hurry To The White House Before the Ghosts of Politics Past Come Back to Haunt Me Tour
Where’s MY “Tingle-up-the-leg” Moment? Tour
Can’t Blame You Bill, I’d Do Her Too Tour
The Frank Underwood’s An Amatuer Tour
Inappropriate Cackling Tour
Pantsuit on Fire Tour
Opaque Transparency Tour
Transparent Opaque Tour
Dammit Just Coronate Me Already Tour
Never mind, she’s already rolling along on all of these tours at once. Let’s just call it the Tour Tour.
Now that Will Ferrell has given up on his movie project featuring the hilarious high-jinks of Ronald Reagan during the Alzheimer’s years, we thought we’d offer up a few alternatives that will surely lead to thigh slapping and uncontrollable floor rolling.
- Follow Ghandi as his efforts to start the Eastern Chapter of Weight Watchers get uproariously mistaken for a political statement due to his all too effective diet.
- Little known correspondence between Hitler and FDR is revealed in this brilliant comedy as the Fuhrer promises Roosevelt free spa treatment for his legs including invigorating showers and deep-heating therapy.
- Return to JFK’s early life before Camelot as he works part-time selling convertibles. “Your mind will be blown at how well anyone can scope you out as you cruise for attention” says Kennedy during one of many laugh-out-loud moments.
- The last few months of Steve Jobs life are chronicled in this bio pic, rom-com as the entrepreneur searches for a cancer cure. Hilarity ensues when he’s convinced that the proper treatment is peanut butter enemas.”
- Prepare to bust a gut as you watch the unsuspecting Stephen Hawking get his wheelchair hacked by two teenagers from Deerfield, Kansas. Then follow the antics as these scamps control everything the brilliant scientists says and does. The comedy gets even sharper as a cult-like following of the theoretical physicist develops.
If those won’t work for Mr. Ferrell – even though we’ve practically provided concise plot lines with only a few blanks left to fill in – here are other well know people along with traits he may be able to mine for comedic gold.
Sung to the tune of Born in the USA
Got in a bathroom jam.
Cancelled out on Greensboro, man.
North Carolina’s like a foreign land.
Said, “you gotta pee in the proper can.”
Need the girls room to do my business in.
Want to have my own GYN.
Doc doesn’t realize that I am The Boss.
All he says is “turn your head and cough.”
Gettin’ attention in the media.
The rest of you have a phobia.
Gotta love that CNN.
Said “go ahead, change your name to Gwen.“
Born in the USA, with the wrong gen-ital–ia.
Can stand up to piss and all they say is “duh.“
I’m willin’ to be born different from men.
Willin’ to be born, ‘cept born again.
Born in the USA, with the wrong gen-ital–ia.
I have wrong gen-ital–ia, wrong gen-ital–ia.
While we weren’t paying attention because we’ve been so engrossed in the Republican campaign, you know, watching the my-wife-is-prettier-than-your-wife twitter war that has more in common with MTV than than the GOP, John Kerry attended an interesting meeting. Kerry does look a little like Gomer Pyle so it seems fitting to offer up a “surprise, surprise, surprise” that during his recent visit to Havana, Cuba, he met with…wait for it… a terrorist organization.
If you’ve never heard of FARC, don’t feel bad, very few have, at least very few who live north of Cuba. FARC is the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Columbia (or in Spanish, Fuerzas Armadas Revolucionarias de Colombia). A terrorist organization that has waged war with Colombia for many years. They’re well financed through wholesome endeavors such as kidnapping, extortion, and drug trafficking. In fact, they’re one of the largest drug traffickers in the world. Their unique brand of capitalism aside, they also rape and murder. That nasty murdering thing is likely why the US has had them listed as a terrorist organization for the past 20 years.
FARC, backed by Castro’s Cuba, has an ongoing battle with the Colombian government and the people of Colombia. And now, in an attempt to create a legacy, any legacy, the Obama administration is giving legitimacy to FARC to encourage a peace deal. A peace deal that has been in the works for years with no positive results. Who knew you that you can’t negotiate with terrorists.
Don’t think this legitimizes FARC? Consider FARC’s latest chest puffing announcement pointed out by Mary Anastasia O’Grady’s article in the Wall Street Journal : “We hope that as a consequence, we are recognized as a political force committed to the expansion of democracy and social progress in Colombia.”
If there’s progress towards peace, it’ll include little cost to FARC other than meaningless promises, if they get their way. As stated in a recent edition of Foreign Policy, FARC could be removed from the terrorist list and arrest warrants suspended against FARC leaders (at last count there were at least 60 FARC members with U.S. grand jury indictments against them and for whom the U.S. Department of Justice has standing extradition requests to the Colombian government).
FARC wants to be considered a political force in Colombia with no consequences for their horrific actions. If Colombia bows, that’s not compromise, that’s surrender.
If you happen to take the Washington Post you’ll notice something so obviously missing in the Easter Sunday edition that you’ll doubt your calendar. Not a single mention of Easter in this national newspaper except for a reference to it in the Metro Section in an article associated with foot washing. It wasn’t worthy of the national news section, nor the international news section, nor the style section, nor sports, nor opinion. One article in Metro.
Maybe their own calendar is broken.
Choose your victim carefully.